Monday, June 1, 2009

My Therapy

I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for years without anyone recognizing it.
Only after a wise Family Practice Doctor spotted me, did I know that my "not feeling well" symptoms wasn't a virus. I went in to the Dr. and told him about my headaches and body aches. He checked me out and started asking me about my eating habits, which were not good, and sleeping patterns, also not good, school, stress, etc. He asked if I had ever been treated for my Depression and Anxiety. I looked at him and started to cry.

As I now battle Postpartum Depression, and it's a beast, I look back on the years and notice that my ups and downs are sometimes triggered by my environment, the situation, but a lot of times.......how I feel about myself.
one definition of depression is: a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity. Depression is often linked with low self-esteem and in my opinion, makes matters much worse.

Bleu and I were having a discussion on the phone and he was very confused at why I was feeling so inadequate, sad and like I had failed. It just didn't make any sense to him and when he repeated it back, it didn't make sense to me either, but that's how I felt. So Bleu talked to me and finally convinced me that I was an amazing woman and had done so well with everything that was happening and he called me Super Woman. He said that I need to learn how to be more confident on my own because he might not be here all the time to remind me. He also frankly told me that he was tired of hearing me say things that put myself down because it's not true.


So since there is no Super Woman, I found this Wonder Woman Notebook. And the first page says:
I AM WONDER WOMAN!
This is my Wonder Woman notebook. Sometimes I need to remind myself and be reminded by Bleu and others that I'm not as bad as I think. I can't depend on others to keep reminding me, so this is my way of reminding myself that I'm great. So this is where I can write down the reasons that I'm Wonder Woman. Also, I hope that Bleu will contribute so that when he's gone, I can read what he wrote.

The main things that Bleu has me try to remember are:
keep thinking about good things
Bleu loves me very much
I'm doing a good job
I'm beautiful

My WW book only has a few pages filled, but it's a start. I've already had to re-read and remind myself a few times.... but that's what it's for. I've also printed some of the comments from a lot of you that read this blog that have made me feel so good. They are taped in the pages. I have a picture of Rosie the Riveter, and an email from a friend that made me feel good. When I told mom about it, she said it was a good idea, and wrote a letter in it, too.

Somedays I'm WW because I shared my testimony with someone, or touched someone in some way. Other days I'm WW because I got out of bed at nine instead of ten. I also write things that make me feel good like smelling lilacs at the park or knowing that Bleu loves me.

Today I'm Wonder Woman because I am so proud of my son and know that he has taught so many people more than I could ever imagine already.

I would really love for you, whoever is reading, to write a note, letter, whatever to Wonder Woman and share your testimony with me. They make me feel the best! It will all go into the WW notebook to help me remember on bad days. And if Tristan has taught you something, please --I would love to know because I might not have learned it yet. I love you so much--everyone who has been here for me.

11 comments:

Thompson Family said...

My Friend I thought I would write you and let you know how special you are to me, when I first moved to Shelley I felt so alone and knew no one I remember feeling so scared and shy when I would walk through the halls and in class. You were so friendly and welcoming. I have never forgoten your smile and how you made me feel welcomed. I knew I could tell you anything and you always gave advice, support or a hug. You have such a wonderful spirit and testimony im amazed everyday I read your blog how well your doing. You are strong beautiful and sweet! You are loved by so many people especially by your husband, son and heavenly father. I have kept you in my prayers and thoughts for the past month, not a day goes by that I dont think about you and hope your family is doing well.

Stacy Carroll said...

Mickaela you absolutely amaze me! You always had a smile on your face at work, even when times were hard. No matter what new or disappointing news you received in your pregnancy, you stayed strong and relied on the Lord, which was a true inspiration to me. I know what its like to already be so connected to that tiny spirit growing inside you, and Tristan couldn't have asked for a better mom! He was so perfect, he didn't need to be here for very long to complete his life's mission. And I'm sure you made his short stay as wonderful as possible.

Ryan and Danna said...

To my big sister: I want you to remember every day that you are beautiful, fun, loving, and strong. You have always been my “wonder woman” and someone who I aspired to be like. You took me under your wing and became my “big sister.” I have always been drawn to you because I hoped to have some of your bubbly, happy personality rub off on me :) You have a confident and happy glow about you that has always made me want to be just like you. I have learned so much from you over the years, but most recently you showed me what a mother’s love is. You sacrificed every piece of energy, love, and compassion for your little boy so that he could receive his little body. Even though he came and went so quickly it was YOU that made it possible for him to fulfill his mission here on life. He couldn’t have done it without you and for that, YOU will forever be his wonder woman. You have strengthened me in so many ways and I hope that when you look back on this time in your life that you will see the beautiful, strong, woman that you were and are. You have always been a wonder woman in my eyes and I will always look up to you because that’s what little sisters do. With Love, your little sis, Danna.

Ader Family said...

I may not have many words to say, but I do want to say that you are amazing. I've only known you a little bit in high school, but you always made me smile and you are amazing. (honestly wanted to be you many of times)
The idea of this book is great and I'm so glad you are doing it. I wish you the best of luck. And always remember to smile - because it is beautiful and will always brighten someone's day.
Hugs and loves
~Stephanie

Derek and Mary said...

Mickaela--You are an amazing woman!! It takes a special kind of woman to be able to bring a life into this world and then know that you won't get to keep them as long as you want. Tristan was so special and perfect that he only needed a body to fulfill his mission on earth and Heavenly Father knew that you were the perfect mom for him. You have always been a great example to me, even throughout high school. You are beautiful, full of life, and a woman that stands above all others! Please remember that even when you are having a bad day, there are many that love you and care for you. You have truly been an inspiration to me.

Miriam . Ryan . Milly said...

Hi Mickaela, its Miriam Toy from High school. I'm a secrect blog reader of yous...yikes I hope that doesn't sound too creepy. But I love to see how everyone is doing. :) Anyways, I saw your story a while back. I was very touched. You know, I really believe that there are special women for special, special purposes here on earth. And YOU, are amazing to get to be a mom of a perfect baby boy. That is not a job for everyone. I want you to know that I remember you very well form H.S. because you were always really nice to me. And always it seemed had a smile on your face. Your a great example of a strong mom, I desire to to be.

brant and katie said...

Mickaela before you lost a baby I would always pray to god and ask him to never let me get pregnant and lose an infant child, because I thought there was no way I could survive if I did. You have proven me wrong and I realize now how extremely selfish I was. I see how much you have grown from Tristans example and what an impact he had on so many lives. That is an amazing blessing to receive such a precious gift. Thanks for the lesson you have taught to me.

Torrie Nicholas said...

Mickaela

Wow if I can see through my tears it would help me type. lol

You ARE so amazing, ever since you were a little girl. I still remember hearing you sing every day, you knew every song to any animated movie, to any play you went to and as you've grown into a beautiful young lady, woman, wife and mother you continue to amaze me. You are the perfect mother for Tristan, and I say "are" instead of were because you will FOREVER be his mommy and he will FOREVER be your little guy. He taught me to not take my children for granted or my husband or life itself. You're experiences have taught me that what my plans our may not happen, it is only what God has planned for us and we need to remember to be grateful for all of our blessings. Keep your chin up and keep on singing with your beautiful voice. I'm sure Tristan can hear you!

I love ya sis!!!!!!!

Torrie Nicholas said...

Mickaela

Wow if I can see through my tears it would help me type. lol

You ARE so amazing, ever since you were a little girl. I still remember hearing you sing every day, you knew every song to any animated movie, to any play you went to and as you've grown into a beautiful young lady, woman, wife and mother you continue to amaze me. You are the perfect mother for Tristan, and I say "are" instead of were because you will FOREVER be his mommy and he will FOREVER be your little guy. He taught me to not take my children for granted or my husband or life itself. You're experiences have taught me that what my plans our may not happen, it is only what God has planned for us and we need to remember to be grateful for all of our blessings. Keep your chin up and keep on singing with your beautiful voice. I'm sure Tristan can hear you!

I love ya sis!!!!!!!

Sean and Tammy said...

Mickaela, You have amazed me with your strength through everything you have gone through since getting married. You've had a miscarriage, your husband joined the military and left for training, and Tristan passed away. You have remained strong in the church through everything and depended on our Father in Heaven through it all. You are such an example to me of how to rely on our Heavenly Father! Love you!

Miracles on Madison Street said...

You have only known LaRae and I a few short months. I feel like we have been friends for years. I look forward to our emails. You always seem to know when I need to here your warm voice, smile, and laugher in your words. You don't realize the days you have help me get threw a rough time. You have great strength. remember my favorite quote "With God, All Things Are Possible." That is the only thing that gets me threw the hard times.