My Little Soldier Boy

Tristan Michael Hawkley

April 12, 2009-April 13, 2009

For those of you who don't know:

Easter Sunday, I dropped Bleu off at the airport around noon before going to church. After Church, I was laying in be reading when my water broke around four o'clock. Sarah was home, and we packed up and went to the hospital. I called my mom and she left immediately from Shelley, Idaho. I left a message with Bleu, who was on his way to Georgia on a layover to Virginia.

When we arrived, I explained the situation to the doctors and they put me on observation. Because I was only 31 weeks, I was given a shot of steroids to jump start the development of Tristan's lungs. The goal was to keep me pregnant for 48 hours to give the two doses of steroids time to take effect. I was put on a fetal monitor to keep tabs on his heartbeat. My contractions had started en route to the hospital and felt stronger by then. When I first arrived, I was dilated to a two, and about an hour later, was a three.

After the doctors had gotten all of the monitors hooked up, they said that we would just keep him in as long as we can for the steroids. But, at the first sign of distress on the baby, or me, they would go straight to the O.R.

My brother-in-law, Gavin, and Grandpa Wayne came and gave me a blessing. Gavin informed us that Bleu was on a plane back to Salt Lake and would be here at midnight. Just after talking to a Pediatric Specialist and signing papers for operation, I had a contraction, and heard Tristan's heart rate drop dramatically. Just as soon as the contraction left, his heart rate came up again. The doctor came in and I knew we were going to have to do a C-section right then. He said "It's time to have a baby."

Everything went fine with the exception of the internal fetal monitor(s). (I don't want to talk about it)

The Specialist came in again after looking at Tristan and told me that his head was large in comparisson to the rest of his body, and his left side is smaller than the right. They did a scan and found that there was no lung tissue in the left side. His right lung is fine, but the chances of his survival off of ventilation is slim. He also said that the pressure of the excessive amniotic fluid had bruised his body pretty badly.

I was able to see Tristan a few minutes later, and I knew that my little boy was the one with the brown curly hair. The nurse told me that there was a hemorrhage in his head between his skin and skull. She explained that type of hemorrhage just keeps going because the skin is so stretchy that it doesn't stop the bleeding. They had ordered blood and fluids from the bank to compensate for the fluids lost. She said that they would try to keep him alive until Bleu got there.

Two volunteer Priesthood holders came and gave Tristan a blessing. I stayed with him until Bleu came. Bleu and Gavin gave him a name and a blessing, and then Bleu and I were left alone with Tristan to say goodbye. He was taken off of the ventilator between 1 and 2 and went shortly after.

We had a very small funeral service for our immediate family members Saturday April 18.

Tristan was a blessing right from the start. Bleu and I love him very much and are proud to be his parents. We are excited and looking forward to seeing him again. We have such loving and supportive friends and family that help us along the way. We all love you, Tristan. We'll see you again someday.