Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My Little Soldier Boy

Tristan Michael Hawkley
April 12, 2009-April 13, 2009

For those of you who don't know:

Easter Sunday, I dropped Bleu off at the airport around noon before going to church. After Church, I was laying in be reading when my water broke around four o'clock. Sarah was home, and we packed up and went to the hospital. I called my mom and she left immediately from Shelley, Idaho. I left a message with Bleu, who was on his way to Georgia on a layover to Virginia.

When we arrived, I explained the situation to the doctors and they put me on observation. Because I was only 31 weeks, I was given a shot of steroids to jump start the development of Tristan's lungs. The goal was to keep me pregnant for 48 hours to give the two doses of steroids time to take effect. I was put on a fetal monitor to keep tabs on his heartbeat. My contractions had started en route to the hospital and felt stronger by then. When I first arrived, I was dilated to a two, and about an hour later, was a three.

After the doctors had gotten all of the monitors hooked up, they said that we would just keep him in as long as we can for the steroids. But, at the first sign of distress on the baby, or me, they would go straight to the O.R.

My brother-in-law, Gavin, and Grandpa Wayne came and gave me a blessing. Gavin informed us that Bleu was on a plane back to Salt Lake and would be here at midnight. Just after talking to a Pediatric Specialist and signing papers for operation, I had a contraction, and heard Tristan's heart rate drop dramatically. Just as soon as the contraction left, his heart rate came up again. The doctor came in and I knew we were going to have to do a C-section right then. He said "It's time to have a baby."

Everything went fine with the exception of the internal fetal monitor(s). (I don't want to talk about it)

The Specialist came in again after looking at Tristan and told me that his head was large in comparisson to the rest of his body, and his left side is smaller than the right. They did a scan and found that there was no lung tissue in the left side. His right lung is fine, but the chances of his survival off of ventilation is slim. He also said that the pressure of the excessive amniotic fluid had bruised his body pretty badly.

I was able to see Tristan a few minutes later, and I knew that my little boy was the one with the brown curly hair. The nurse told me that there was a hemorrhage in his head between his skin and skull. She explained that type of hemorrhage just keeps going because the skin is so stretchy that it doesn't stop the bleeding. They had ordered blood and fluids from the bank to compensate for the fluids lost. She said that they would try to keep him alive until Bleu got there.

Two volunteer Priesthood holders came and gave Tristan a blessing. I stayed with him until Bleu came. Bleu and Gavin gave him a name and a blessing, and then Bleu and I were left alone with Tristan to say goodbye. He was taken off of the ventilator between 1 and 2 and went shortly after.

We had a very small funeral service for our immediate family members Saturday April 18.

Tristan was a blessing right from the start. Bleu and I love him very much and are proud to be his parents. We are excited and looking forward to seeing him again. We have such loving and supportive friends and family that help us along the way. We all love you, Tristan. We'll see you again someday.


Heather Walker said...

Thank you for that post Mickaela. You and your family have been in our thoughts and prayers throughout this trying time. Tristan is a beautiful son. We are grateful that Bleu and you were able to have at least that brief time with your special son. He is truly a wonderful and magnificent son of God. We love you, Michael and Heather

Brett and Cherice said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lani said...

Mickaela, what a beautiful baby boy! What wonderful parents you and Bleu have been to such a special, sweet little baby. As I told you before, you inspire me with your strength and attitude. My prayers and thoughts are with you and Bleu.

Carlson Clan said...

Let's see if I can stop bawling long enough to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You are such a strong person and I am so inspired by your and Bleu's strength. You will be in our prayers and please know how terribly sorry I am that you have to wait for the next life to raise your little boy.

Torrie Nicholas said...

Hey Sis like everyone has said you and Bleu are wonderful parents and an inspiration. I'm so happy to call you my sister!!!! You and Tristan have both inspired so many people. It's so great to know that your story and his life will help so many others.

Love ya!!


Brett and Cherice said...

Mickaela and Bleu, you two are such strong wonderful people and parents, I look up to you so much! Tristen is perfect! You will see him again someday:) You guys are in our prayers.

Ryan and Danna said...

My dear, sweet, Mickaela, what a strong girl you are. You have strengthened my testimony of families and I know you will be with your sweet boy again someday. What a wonderful mother you are. I love you...

Matt and Heidi said...

You have been an inspiration to me through everything you have experienced. Tristan is a lucky little boy to have such wonderful, caring parents! I hope you are recovering well from the surgery, and please know that I love you. Again, if there's anything I can do, please let me know.

Kimber Bowen said...

Mickaela, I am so sorry. You are in our families thoughts and prayers.

The Christensens said...

Oh- Mickaela, my heart goes out to you and Bleu. My prayers are with you guys and I know that you will be reunited with little Tristan again. With lots of love, Danielle

The Christensens said...

I just wanted to share this poem with you that I found on a blog of a mother of a little girl that just died from the same heart condition that my niece has. It really touched my heart...
Oh Mother, my Mother :
Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am.. in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, Your Child

Kam Family said...

He is so beautiful!!!! How lucky he is to have parents of such strength and faith. I KNOW You'll see him again, and I'm so glad you understand that too. You are such an inspiration to me--you just remind me that no matter what happens to keep the love, always keep the faith, stay positive, and holding your head up high. You'll be in our prayers.
Much Love,
Karissa Landon Kam

Derek and Mary said...

Oh Mickaela, he is beautiful. I'm glad that Bleu was able to make it back to see him. You are an amazing person. You and bleu will be in our prayers. If there's anything that I can do, please let me know.

The Pascoe Family said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I truly admire your strength and courage. You are an amazing mom. You will be in our thoughts and prayers.
Sandy (Landon) Pascoe

Tim and Amber said...

I'm so glad that we have the gospel to remind us that we will be able to see our families again. I love you and our prayers are with you. He is beautiful!

wendy said...

Mickaela and Bleu, i am so sorry for your loss, you are such great people, and i know you will see him one day, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
we love you, dannehl family

Lance and Darcie and Auzzy said...

I think of your bright happily smiling faces and how much of a great person you guys are. You have lived the Lords way and he will bless you. You will be in my prayers and I want you to know you are an inspiration to me. Love, the Black's and the Gallup's.

J&L Photography & Design said...

What a beautiful little baby boy! Just think of what he must have done in heaven to not have to be tried here! Heavenly Father loves you two so much that he trusted you with one of the most valiant little spirits! You're such a great example to us! We love you! You are amazing parents!

Kristine said...

Mickaela, I'm stacy's sister. I met you at work a couple months ago. I saw the news in the company newsletter and my heart broke for you and your husband and your sweet baby Tristan! I know your latest post said no more tears, but baby, you cry as much as you want to! You are an amazing and brave woman! There isn't much I can offer you except for my prayers. They will be there for you! With love-