Great News:

I'm Malnourished! Why is that news so great?? Because it's NOT Kidney Disease. When was the last time that your doctor told you that you needed to take in more Protein and Calories? Weird, but oh well. My cholesterol is normal, but my good cholesterol is way low, and my protein is way low. So I'm taking more vitamins, eating more protein and calories, and Bleu is determined to get me running in the morning. Hmmmm. I don't like that idea. But I'm happy to know that I'm Malnourished. Crazy. But hopefully all of these changes will help me feel better. Staying away from the calories is not the best way to eat healthy. That's why it's called a balanced diet. :) But I'm also happy to report that my sugar/sweets aversion stuck with me. I still can't eat very much and rarely find myself craving sweets. I still crave fruit. YESSSS!! It's so good.

Trust in the Lord....

...with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I've been consistently sick for about a month now. None of my symptoms made any sense and I just assumed that I was still physically and emotionally recovering from Tristan's birth and death. When Bleu (the Doctor hater ;)) suggested that I see a doctor, I realized that this has gone far enough.

After yet another sleepless night, I was laying my head on the table at work concentrating on feeling well enough to make it through a six hour day. My boss came into the room and said my name, startling me -- I was almost asleep with two very large copiers going behind me. She said "Mickaela, go home. Get some rest; we'll be fine without you."

So I filled in 1.25 hours for the day and went home and made an appointment to see a doctor. Yesterday I went in and the doctor ordered a urinalysis and blood work including a full blood count, liver function, kidney function.... the works. I got a call today and she asked to have me come back in for the very same thing on Thursday. I won't explain everything she did just to make a long and boring story short.

I have very low protein count, and she is concerned enough that she wants to do another blood and urine test for kidney disease. I looked online and finally all of my symptoms make sense.

swelling of feet
headaches
upset stomach
fatigue
dizziness
loss of memory
forgetfulness
lack of concentration

They seem pretty random until they all show up on one page as a list of symptoms. We don't know for sure, that's why we are testing further. But I would really appreciate a few extra prayers on behalf of the doctors and lab technicians so that they can see what is happening and what needs to be done.

Love you all..

Bleu's Coming Home!

------Aloha!------
And I don't mean hello.
I mean goodbye.
Cause we are leaving!
To Hawaii!
For a whole WEEK!



Bleu and I decided we need a vacation and LOTS of time together. We didn't get too much of a honeymoon when we got married besides two nights in a hotel.... and both of us were sick..... and I went to school two days later.
We talked about going to Hawaii before we got married, just after we got married, a while after we got married..... and now we've stopped talking about it. I just booked the flight and hotel. My heart was POUNDING! I've never spent that much money all at once--YIKES! But we've been saving for something like this for a long time, and BY GOLLY, WE NEED A BREAK!

Just so you all know the latest, Bleu is on the list for deployment in September. (another reason Hawaii sounds nice) It's a "most likely" situation. Bleu seems to be okay with it on the outside, and I've come to terms with the idea. Bleu and I have been apart for half of our marriage, and we will still be apart for half of our marriage when he gets home in 2010. But I've thought about it all and I would just rather get it over and done with. I thought of ways to postpone, but it's inevitable...... so why not just do it now before we have any kids and I'm working.

I have thought about some different options that I have, and I might go back to school and get my CNA. I've thought about it before and after the wonderful care that I received at the hospital, I think I would enjoy doing something like that. We are also thinking of buying a house, but might need to wait till Bleu gets a job. We aren't sure if we will be able to get one before he leaves, but we will try. He really wants to work at Airport #2 in West Jordan as a Helicopter Mechanic.

We decided that no matter what happens---whether he leaves or stays---we are going to have a great summer together and do lots of things like camping, hiking, and whatever else we come up with.....like going to Hawaii. :)

Aloha.....

My Therapy

I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for years without anyone recognizing it.
Only after a wise Family Practice Doctor spotted me, did I know that my "not feeling well" symptoms wasn't a virus. I went in to the Dr. and told him about my headaches and body aches. He checked me out and started asking me about my eating habits, which were not good, and sleeping patterns, also not good, school, stress, etc. He asked if I had ever been treated for my Depression and Anxiety. I looked at him and started to cry.

As I now battle Postpartum Depression, and it's a beast, I look back on the years and notice that my ups and downs are sometimes triggered by my environment, the situation, but a lot of times.......how I feel about myself.
one definition of depression is: a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity. Depression is often linked with low self-esteem and in my opinion, makes matters much worse.

Bleu and I were having a discussion on the phone and he was very confused at why I was feeling so inadequate, sad and like I had failed. It just didn't make any sense to him and when he repeated it back, it didn't make sense to me either, but that's how I felt. So Bleu talked to me and finally convinced me that I was an amazing woman and had done so well with everything that was happening and he called me Super Woman. He said that I need to learn how to be more confident on my own because he might not be here all the time to remind me. He also frankly told me that he was tired of hearing me say things that put myself down because it's not true.


So since there is no Super Woman, I found this Wonder Woman Notebook. And the first page says:

I AM WONDER WOMAN!

This is my Wonder Woman notebook. Sometimes I need to remind myself and be reminded by Bleu and others that I'm not as bad as I think. I can't depend on others to keep reminding me, so this is my way of reminding myself that I'm great. So this is where I can write down the reasons that I'm Wonder Woman. Also, I hope that Bleu will contribute so that when he's gone, I can read what he wrote.

The main things that Bleu has me try to remember are:
keep thinking about good things
Bleu loves me very much
I'm doing a good job
I'm beautiful

My WW book only has a few pages filled, but it's a start. I've already had to re-read and remind myself a few times.... but that's what it's for. I've also printed some of the comments from a lot of you that read this blog that have made me feel so good. They are taped in the pages. I have a picture of Rosie the Riveter, and an email from a friend that made me feel good. When I told mom about it, she said it was a good idea, and wrote a letter in it, too.

Somedays I'm WW because I shared my testimony with someone, or touched someone in some way. Other days I'm WW because I got out of bed at nine instead of ten. I also write things that make me feel good like smelling lilacs at the park or knowing that Bleu loves me.

Today I'm Wonder Woman because I am so proud of my son and know that he has taught so many people more than I could ever imagine already.

I would really love for you, whoever is reading, to write a note, letter, whatever to Wonder Woman and share your testimony with me. They make me feel the best! It will all go into the WW notebook to help me remember on bad days. And if Tristan has taught you something, please --I would love to know because I might not have learned it yet. I love you so much--everyone who has been here for me.