Time to Stop Crying

Every time I look at our blog, it makes me cry because of all of the wonderful support and love that everyone has shown. I love you all so much. Now, it's time to stop crying.

Mom and I went to my two week post-op appointment with Dr. Luikenaar. She looked at the incision and said it looked great. Because I didn't get stapled, we didn't really have anything to do but talk about what happened, and how long everything will take to heal. She also said that I could take the steri-strips off in the shower any time and that is exactly what I did today. I was a little nervous, because without my glasses, I couldn't see what was going on down there. But they are all off, and I'm still in one piece.

As for the recovery, I'm doing really well. Mom and I go on a walk around the apartment complex every day. My walking is getting better every day, I'm able to go up and down the stairs without help, and I've started helping in the kitchen. I think I would survive without mom here, but it sure is nice to have her. I don't think I could do all of the work that she does around here. I still get pretty tired easily and try to take it easy. I'm planning on going back to work at the beginning of June.

As for Bleu, he went back to Virginia Wednesday evening. Because he missed almost two weeks of school, he was scheduled to go back to 4th Platoon--where he sits and waits for an opening in a class, or starts over. Before he left, he said that he anticipated being in 4th Platoon for at least a week. Well, Heavenly Father is truly watching out for us. One soldier went A-WAL and there was one opening in a class and Bleu got in the very same day he got on base. So he's only been set back two weeks and should be done with school by the end of June. We are both super excited for him to come home.

That's the update for now. I need to find out what I'm going to be doing for the next month--if I feel good enough to travel, I'd like to see all of my family before going back to work. But I also have lots of things that need taken care of here. That's all for now, Love you all.

Oh Mother, My Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
Invisible fingers
Soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
In the day, in the night,
In your dreams
Going into an empty nursery
Knowing I'll never be there
But I am.. in your heart
In your soul, I shall always be
For you gave so unselfishly of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
Such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love
Of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know
You shared with me.
And even though I may never
Feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
And your spirit giving me a safe haven already protecting me
Nurturing me
Preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
Of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on
To another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
And I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
That yours was the first love
The first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
You gave me the courage to
Go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always
Call me to you.
Love, Your Child

My Little Soldier Boy

Tristan Michael Hawkley

April 12, 2009-April 13, 2009

For those of you who don't know:

Easter Sunday, I dropped Bleu off at the airport around noon before going to church. After Church, I was laying in be reading when my water broke around four o'clock. Sarah was home, and we packed up and went to the hospital. I called my mom and she left immediately from Shelley, Idaho. I left a message with Bleu, who was on his way to Georgia on a layover to Virginia.

When we arrived, I explained the situation to the doctors and they put me on observation. Because I was only 31 weeks, I was given a shot of steroids to jump start the development of Tristan's lungs. The goal was to keep me pregnant for 48 hours to give the two doses of steroids time to take effect. I was put on a fetal monitor to keep tabs on his heartbeat. My contractions had started en route to the hospital and felt stronger by then. When I first arrived, I was dilated to a two, and about an hour later, was a three.

After the doctors had gotten all of the monitors hooked up, they said that we would just keep him in as long as we can for the steroids. But, at the first sign of distress on the baby, or me, they would go straight to the O.R.

My brother-in-law, Gavin, and Grandpa Wayne came and gave me a blessing. Gavin informed us that Bleu was on a plane back to Salt Lake and would be here at midnight. Just after talking to a Pediatric Specialist and signing papers for operation, I had a contraction, and heard Tristan's heart rate drop dramatically. Just as soon as the contraction left, his heart rate came up again. The doctor came in and I knew we were going to have to do a C-section right then. He said "It's time to have a baby."

Everything went fine with the exception of the internal fetal monitor(s). (I don't want to talk about it)

The Specialist came in again after looking at Tristan and told me that his head was large in comparisson to the rest of his body, and his left side is smaller than the right. They did a scan and found that there was no lung tissue in the left side. His right lung is fine, but the chances of his survival off of ventilation is slim. He also said that the pressure of the excessive amniotic fluid had bruised his body pretty badly.

I was able to see Tristan a few minutes later, and I knew that my little boy was the one with the brown curly hair. The nurse told me that there was a hemorrhage in his head between his skin and skull. She explained that type of hemorrhage just keeps going because the skin is so stretchy that it doesn't stop the bleeding. They had ordered blood and fluids from the bank to compensate for the fluids lost. She said that they would try to keep him alive until Bleu got there.

Two volunteer Priesthood holders came and gave Tristan a blessing. I stayed with him until Bleu came. Bleu and Gavin gave him a name and a blessing, and then Bleu and I were left alone with Tristan to say goodbye. He was taken off of the ventilator between 1 and 2 and went shortly after.

We had a very small funeral service for our immediate family members Saturday April 18.

Tristan was a blessing right from the start. Bleu and I love him very much and are proud to be his parents. We are excited and looking forward to seeing him again. We have such loving and supportive friends and family that help us along the way. We all love you, Tristan. We'll see you again someday.

Quick Update

I went to see Dr. Luikenaar this morning, and since I'm 30 weeks, I was hoping to measure around 34 cm because I've been 4 cm too big the past two appointments. Well, no such luck. I am 36 cm. Dr. Luikenaar didn't seem too concerned. She said that she's seen women measure 50 cm before. (I REALLY REALLY hope it doesn't come to that)

She did check my cervix like Dr. Byrne suggested, and said that I'm dilated to a one, but very long. She said that it's further than she'd like to see me at this stage, but again, not too worried.

The baby's heartbeat was fine, and my blood pressure, temperature, and weight (160.5!) were all fine, too. So I see her again in two weeks. I have an ultrasound a week from tomorrow, so we will see what's going on inside then!

I'm still getting used to the bed rest thing. It's so hard to stay down when there is so much that I want to do. But I have a stack of books, and I get bigger and more uncomfortable every day so it gets easier to stay down because of the contractions.

Bleu gets to come see me this weekend. He's excited to have a turn taking care of me. His training is going pretty good for him. They are doing more hands on training, so it's more entertaining, but the computer and classroom stuff still drives him bonkers. He's in student leadership and has some authority and responsibility so that takes up a little more of his down time. He's getting good grades, and just can't wait to come home. He is still planning on applying for the mechanic job out at airport #2 in West Jordan when he gets home. So that's the plan for now.

Well that's all till next time! Love ya