Bleu & Pink

Tough Girl Loves Daddy

2011-06-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

Ella loves, Loves, LOVES her Daddy. She is excited to see him every day. One thing she likes to do when he comes home from work/training is to walk down to the mailbox with Dad. She gets excited just to see the key to the mailbox. :)

She's quite a tough little girl. She loves to get down on the floor with the dogs while they wrestle and has a blast getting thrown around by them. Jade is her personal couch-she's always lounging, cuddling, nuzzling etc. into her. As expected, she also loves to wrestle with her Daddy, and will run full speed into him, giggle and scream while he tickles her.

I can hardly keep this little cutie inside all day. As soon as a door opens to let the dogs out or greet a visitor, she's on the move trying to get into that sunshine. She loves being outside walking around and visiting all of her friends in the neighborhood. Friday afternoon is always exciting for her...it's garbage day. We get lots of big garbage and recycling trucks coming through the neighborhood and she can just sit on the sidewalk and watch them all day long.

Well there's just a little update on our baby girl for right now. As for the other one, she is doing great, moving and kicking almost constantly, (until Bleu tries to feel my tummy go "bump"). I am in the third trimester and the excitement and reality is really setting in that we will have TWO very shortly. I guess she's getting excited, too. It seems like each time I am high in activity I start having contractions, so I'm upping the water intake and trying to take it easy so she can cook a while longer. So no more woofle ball or basketball for me. ;) Lavender oil helps those muscles calm down, too so we are keeping everything under control... NO WORRIES! :) Just filling y'all in.

2011-04-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

Ella loves to play peek-a-boo and has been pretty inventive with her different ways of doing it. This is the blanket version, but she also uses her shirt, and she's been peeking around corners like mom and dad do sometimes.

We had Sara and Gavin for Easter dinner. Sara brought some colored eggs and Ella thought they were pretty interesting.

Once she started eating the shell we decided to get rid of it. It was pretty slippery and slipped out of her hands right onto the plate of Deviled Eggs. :) LOL After a good laugh she sat in her high chair and dissected it for a while. Good Easter fun for the little one. :)

2011-04-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well the news is pretty much out. Ella's going to be a big sister this Fall. The funny thing about it is that we got quite a big surprise at the doctor's office ( On April 1st.) I went in thinking I was 10 weeks along. The week before I kept looking in the mirror thinking "why am I showing already?? I guess the third time around doesn't take long to stretch back out."
I was doing the little hold the belly in while I was in public and everything. :)

So we are in the doctor's office telling her I think I'm 10 weeks and Bleu thought about 12. So Doc says " well, let's take a look". The first thing I see on the ultrasound screen is an ARM. with FINGERS. and then she goes to the side and I see a PROFILE.

WHAAAATTT??

Doc says "I think you're further than you thought" Ya. apparently. So she did a few measurements that all indicated a gestational age of more like 18 1/2 weeks. OH MY. I made it almost half way through my pregnancy without even realizing it. LOL! That's the way to do it!

2010-11-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to post for a long time, and actually started a few times but never finished. Well, as most of you know Bleu came home at the end of September. We were all really excited for the day to come and super happy to be together as a family. Ella was comfortable with Bleu as soon as he held her, just like I thought she would be. She LOVES her daddy just like she did when he was home in May.

So here's a funny story about Bleu coming home: I had cut all of my hair off and colored it about a week or two before he came home, but he hadn't seen it. Ella had also grown at least double since he'd last seen her. So when the plane landed, Bleu said that everyone was looking out the windows and pointing out their families and getting excited. Bleu told them "I don't even know what my family looks like!" So he gets off of the plane and starts looking around. He looked a little bit like he wasn't even sure if we were there at all. I finally caught his eye; he smiled and we met in the middle of the crowd where he said "Hey, cutie." :) I handed Ella to him and he couldn't believe how much she had grown. The two of them have been like two peas in a pod. Ella loves to swing and get tossed by Bleu. And of course, every morning that it's possible, they have their morning cuddle time.
At the end of October we went on our first big trip to California to see Bleu's family for a week. Ella went on her first plane ride. I was a little nervous, not knowing how she would handle being on a lap for such a long time, but she loved it.

She squealed, and touched everything in her reach, looked out the window, smiled and giggled at the lady sitting next to us, fell asleep about ten minutes before landing, but didn't wake up when we touched down. On the trip back she slept most of the way. It was a relief that she was so easy going for the trip.

We were able to go and see Bleu's Great Grandma Bea, Ella's Great Great Grandma! She turned 103 in May and she's still going! She really enjoyed having Ella visit and wanted to hold her the whole time.. EXCEPT when Ella pinched her. She said "OUCH! She pinched me--Help!" After she was kissed better, she wanted to hold Ella again. We had a good laugh about it. We were able to get a pretty good 5 generation picture with everyone looking at the camera, although it was a little tricky getting both Ella and Grandma Bea looking at the camera at the same time. :)

Well now we are back home and Bleu is starting to get serious about getting back to work. He is doing AFTP's at the airport and had a few interviews this morning. So hopefully we will be hearing some good news soon. That's all for now! Love you all and I'll try and update a little bit more often.

Ella May!

2010-06-30T10:06:00.001-07:00

Well I FINALLY sat down to update. It's been so long, I think I forgot we even had a blog. Well, Bleu was able to be home in time for the birth of our baby girl. Let me tell you, he was an amazing help. I'm so so so glad he was there. I also had my friend, JoAnn come to be my Douala. Between the two of them constantly rubbing my back and coaching me through, we did a completely natural delivery in under five hours. HOLY COW!

Bleu and I went to my 40 week midwife appointment together the day before my due date. I was really tired of being pregnant. Anyway, that night we were laying on the couch watching a movie when I heard a felt a great big *POP* from my tummy. Bleu even heard it, too! My water broke at 9 pm. We talked to the midwife and she said to relax in the tub until the contractions are 5-6 minutes apart. So I got into the tub and started timing them. They were 2-3 minutes apart, but I wanted to stay home a while longer. After an hour, Bleu noticed that it was time to go to the hospital. So we packed up and checked in before 11 pm. I was on a monitor for about 20 minutes, and then back into the tub to take the pressure off. JoAnn showed up around midnight and she and Bleu were my coaches and cheering section. Seriously don't know what I would have done without them. The contractions progressed and I was doing great, and then they just kept going longer and faster. The midwife said that I needed to get out of the tub and into bed. As soon as I was there, it was time to push. Again, Bleu and JoAnn were amazing coaches. We pushed for about half an hour and Ella May was born at 1:46 am on May 19. Her due date.
6 lbs and 13 oz. and 20 inches long.

It was wonderful having Bleu home for so long! I had quite a few complications and set backs in my recovery, so we were able to get a 10 day extension on his leave. He is such a good Daddy and just adores his sweet little girl.
It was much harder on both of us having him leave this time. He misses his girls lots. We still talk on Skype every night, but sometimes don't get to talk very long when Ella needs my attention. She has a fussy time that's almost like clockwork. I'm fine with that, but it just usually lands right when Bleu gets home from work. So I don't get to talk to him very long and he doesn't get to see Ella.

Mom was able to come down and stay for a few weeks to help with Ella. That was another life saver. I was still in quite a lot of pain when Bleu left and it was hard to get up and down, but Mom was able to be here the day he left.
Ella sure loved having Grandma come to visit. The day after Mom left was a little rough on both of us, and Mom said that it was because she missed her Grandma. Haha. I know I sure did.

Here are some things that I've learned about Ella:

She is very beautiful and smart.
She doesn't like being on her tummy unless Grandpa Dixon is underneath her.
She has a temper and shouts in short little bursts when she wants attention.
She likes to wait until she's naked on the changing table to pee.....and sometimes poop.
She likes to poop in freshly changed diapers.
She likes to cuddle, but loves to see what's going on.
She hogs the bed just like her mommy.

2010-05-03T15:25:00.001-07:00

So it's been nearly forever since I updated this blog. But I had been without a camera for a while until my wonderful husband bought one for me a few weeks ago. I've had a few opportunities to play with it and get used to it.

Obviously, Kami is the only subject available to me. Haha. But I've realized that she actually likes having her picture taken. When I turn the camera on, it makes noise, and she turns to look at it, and stares at the lens, sits, lays down, looks at me, changes positions and looks at the camera. What a silly girl. So she's a little cheese ball poser and gave me some cute shots I think.

This is probably what the baby will be looking at here in a few weeks. A big towering monster! I think Kami might have an inkling as to what's going on. Of course not precisely, but I can tell she knows some things are changing and there are more changes coming. I've been stepping up with the training, giving her more boundaries, and setting higher expectations of her behavior. She's learning fast.

She was really excited when the spare bedroom got cleaned out and the crib and changing table got set up (THANK YOU Gavin and Sara). And was even more excited when I unpacked the clothes, blankets, and all of the baby stuff. The baby has kicked her in the chin a few times while she had her head on my tummy and she's also seen it moving around, so I think she might know that there is definitely something in there. :) She also bumps her nose against my tummy and licks it.

So I bought a baby doll and dressed it in some of the baby's clothes. She LOVES it, and wants to play with it, I think because it's fabric and plastic. But she knows what I'm talking about when I ask her if she wants to see the baby. She is learning that it's not okay to jump up to see it--she has to sit and be good. I put the doll in the crib and she is still jumping up to look at it in there, but it's all a process. She's getting better at laying next to the swing instead of sticking her face right in there and licking the poor thing. But she doesn't mind just watching me rock with the doll--I'm guessing because we are at her eye level and she can see everything. She really just likes to watch. It will probably all be different when it's a real baby, but I think she's getting used to the idea that something else will be occupying my time. She does great with Mikaela when she visits, but she's never been around a newborn. We'll just have to wait and see.

Here's a video of Kami playing. If there is a noise out of her reach, she MUST get it! Silly girl.

So as for the pregnancy, everything is going great! I'm sooooo tired of being pregnant. I want this baby to pop out a week ago, but the longer I go, the better for the baby. Plus I would LOVE for Bleu to be home for the birth and I know he would, too.

So just for the ones who haven't been updated, I am going to be delivering in the hospital with a Midwife and a Douala. I'm really excited. I'm still high risk (of course) because it's a VBAC, but everything appears to be going really well. I feel really good, too.

I'm done working, so I have lots of little projects to keep me busy around the house. I'm trying to get back into the sewing thing and have a few things that I want to make. I take Kami to the park at least three times a week and while she runs around, I walk around the park. I also go to the pool every once in a while for a swim and to put my back against the jets. I want to stay active so that the exercise will be beneficial for the labor. I don't want to be too tired to get through it. I'm determined to have a completely natural birth. I'm studying up on labor and the science of it all, gathering a bunch of relaxing techniques and so forth.

I've been having Braxton Hicks pretty much every day, but nothing too painful. Just enough for me to notice them and not often enough to make any phone calls. I practice breathing and relaxing through them. I've had a few while Bleu and I are on Skype and he asks if I'm okay or if they hurt. He takes such good care of me.

Well, we only have two and a half weeks till the due date! Bleu and I are hoping to be together for the birth and as always, we feel and appreciate all of your prayers on our behalf. Love you!

Butterfly Express!

2010-02-04T14:04:00.000-08:00

Let's start at the very beginning, it's a very good place to start. :) So during class a while ago our instructor handed out a flyer for an Essential Oils company called Butterfly Express. I have never thought of essential oils before and didn't know much about them. Well after looking over the flyer I thought "well, gee! I could use all of these oils!" So I sent a few of my favorites to mom for my Christmas List and she got me six oils and I LOVED THEM! I teasingly told Bleu that basically everything on the flyer was my list for Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary, etc. :o). So about a month ago he started telling me that I should go through the list and tell him which ones I wanted right now and we could get started. SO I went through with him one night and gave him a list that he could choose from. He wanted to surprise me, so I just told him all of the ones that would be great to have and let him at it. Well, after he placed the order he told me that not only did he get EVERYTHING on my list, he got a few more that he thought would be good. WHAT a stinker. Love him.

The plot thickens-- the next morning I got a call from Butterfly Express and they said "because your order was so big,..." again.... Love him. "...we were wondering if you would be interested in becoming a wholesale rep." They explained some more and after talking with Bleu, I was changing my order to one of EVERY oil blend they have and a few extras. SWEET!

Yay! I am now a Butterfly Express Wholesale Rep. Woohoo! Take a look at all the goods! I was waiting for my package to come and when it did I was THRILLED and started opening them up and using them right away. SO why this is such good news to all of you??

I will pass on the savings! I can give you 20% off of your order. If you just let me know what you want, I will put in an order and tell you how much you owe, I can even have them ship it to you! Neat, huh? I've already ordered some for Katie and my boss, and mom and I are working on an order right now. It's so much fun! There is an oil for just about everything from Arthritis to anxiety to warts and Digestion. If you want to browse, go to butterflyexpress.net and take a look. But you can't get the 20% through the website, just through a wholesale rep--like me! :)

Also, Butterfly Express has monthly specials and discounts so I will be posting them here, too.

So let's get started!!

FEBRUARY SPECIALS!

10% off the Chakra Kit

15% off the following oils:

Beloved
Exhilaration
Moonlight
Clary Sage
Rosewood
Tangerine

Buy all 6 of them for 20% off.

There is a new blend this month called Manuka

And as always, I need to practice my zoning, so give me a call and I will use my oils on your tootsies!!

Pictures and Videos!

2010-01-13T19:13:00.000-08:00

Kami got spayed last Friday and played the sick card all day Saturday. I let her because she was barfing Friday night. Haha. She Loves to cuddle on the floor and this is the best picture that we could get. Look How big she is! I'm just going to put a bunch of pictures of the past week or so. Enjoy!

I had my friend Kamie (Kami's namesake haha) help me out by watching Kami for a few hours while I was in class. Her daughter Mikaela (I know.. SO confusing, right?) just loves Kami and visa versa. Kamie caught this on camera and it's just too cute not to share!

Okay I know this is old, but I couldn't resist. Back in the day when she was allowed on the furniture, she fell asleep and was dreaming, twitching, growling, the works. Then when things settled down, she relaxed and this is what happened. Too funny. I still get a kick out of her face when she wakes up.

Kami Kraziness

2009-10-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

I've been promising more pictures and videos of Kami.
Well, here they are. She is just the funniest thing. She has had me laughing all day.

I have discovered a few things that are interesting about her this week. She attacks the broom when I sweep, and attacks the Swiffer when I mop. She hates the noise the Swiffer makes when I push the button to spray the solution. She wants to cuddle when she's tired and thinks that I should get off the phone and pay attention to her! She hates the sound of "hold" music on the phone, but loves to hear Bleu on the phone. She likes people more than dogs, and loves loves loves kids. She's usually perfectly content sitting in my lap licking my hand when I want her to be still. She hates the camera, and wants to bite the dog that's on the screen. Haha. Oh, and she thinks that when I have my hair in a bun that it is her responsibility to chew it up and pull it out.
So here's the story about the box. Bleu's cousins got a Build A Bear for Tristan and I took it out of the box and set the box down. Kami was really intrigued by it, so I pushed it over to her and scratched on it to see if she would play with it, but she didn't seem to interested. So I just left her and went back to what I was doing. After inspecting the box, she sniffed, cocked her head and barked at it a while. Then she bit into it, then she just took off and came back and picked it up and just started running all over the house with it. And..... well.... yeah. The movie explains it.
So then I was trying to get a picture of her next to me to show how big she is. And it was almost working. She would look at the camera just until the light would go off. So they are all fuzzy, and then when I was taking pictures of just her, she didn't like the camera facing her. It's pretty funny.

Oh, Yeah. She likes to lick. Love her, hate that about her. :)

2009-10-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tristan would be six months old today! I decided that instead of being sad and saying that I've been without him for six months, I'm going to be happy and say...

Yay! I'm six months closer to being with my baby boy! I love you Tristan! I miss you so much and I can't wait to see you again!

Finally

2009-10-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well Bleu and I have gone to visit Tristan a number of times and every time we go we forget stuff to clean his stone, and the camera. Well, we FINALLY remembered both when we took mom and dad out to see it. Funny thing is, Mom forgot HER camera. Haha. So mom, I'll send you a copy.

So here it is. I don't know when I'll be able to visit him without bawling, but I think I have a good excuse. This week has been pretty rough on me. Bleu left for his deployment on Tuesday, which I'll tell more later, our first baby would have been a year old this week, and Tristan would be six months old tomorrow. So hard times all around, but we are doing what we can.

Okay. Bleu left for his deployment Tuesday morning: we had to be at the airport at 6am. I'm really glad I brought my purse because they let me go to the gate with a pass and ID. We waited for a while and everyone was fine, talking, laughing, joking, we had some breakfast and were just enjoying ourselves. When the PA announced that they would be boarding their flight soon, I could just feel the mood change from pleasant to dread. Waited a little longer and when they started calling the zones to board, all of the family members started clinging to their soldiers, and all of the wives started crying. There's no way to prepare yourself for something like that. I stood at the window with the other family members and we waited and watched the plane leave the terminal. One of the wives standing next to me was holding a four month old baby with tears streaming down her face. She and I turned to each other and she reached up and hugged me. I had never met her before, but we introduced ourselves and walked to the door together. She isn't sure if her husband will be coming home for Thanksgiving so she will probably not see her husband till October of next year. I told her about how Bleu and I both have webcams so we can see each other and she said that was one of her ideas, but they just couldn't afford it. I felt awful for her. I talked to Bleu and he said that maybe we could get him a ticket to come home. If we have the money, I really want to send him home to see his family. I can't imagine what she's going through. My Bishop from our Single's Ward asked if there was anything he could do for me and I told him that we appreciated all of the prayers. And it's so true. So if you ever have a spare moment, send a prayer on behalf of the soldiers and their families. Even thought we don't hear them, we sure can feel them.

Meanwhile, Kami is a puppy through and through. She's growing so big and she's in her toddler stage of running, chewing, jumping, etc. She will definitely keep me busy for the time being. She really smart and just wants to make us happy. It truthfully only takes her a few days to train her to do something. She's great at potty training when we remind her ever few hours, but when we say "go potty" she knows what that means and happily wags her tail and goes to the back door. She sits and stays, she knows that she needs to sit to get her toys, she will drop her toys as long as they don't get stuck in her teeth, she is getting better at fetch, she comes when I call her, we are working on laying on her bed on command, she stays quiet all night and waits to be let out of her crate, she sits and waits for her food instead of barrelling over me, and we started socializing her with other dogs at a dog park. This is the really funny part. She loves the dog park because there are people and kids there. She could care less about the dogs, and will bite them when they stick their noses in her face. So slowly I think she's getting used to it. She actually played with a Springer Spaniel a few days ago. It was big progress. She is starting to show her personality and she's still the cutest thing ever. She doesn't cause too much trouble. We have cords all over the living room and she doesn't chew on them. She knows not to. She doesn't chew on shoes. (One swift swat to the face was enough for her to learn.) So I don't regret the day Bleu brought her home at all. I will be putting up a few pictures and videos soon. She's already outgrown the ones I took a few weeks ago! :) Till next time. Love Ya!

Okay--

2009-09-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

Wow. SO much has happened that I don't even know where to start!

Okay well I guess I will start with my health. I haven't been to a Doctor since my last post simply because there hasn't been a need to be! Yay! I have been having my feet zoned and have been feeling much better. I have been having some pain in my kidney, but we are thinking that it's getting back into the swing of things and needs some time to work better. I've been working on the emotional and spiritual side of my life and it feels great. It's a lot of work coming from the depths out into the light. It was a huge climb in a short amount of time, but we are almost there.

Well some of you have heard that we moved! It's true! And it was quick. Bleu knew how much I didn't like being in the apartments, so he was determined to find me a house to rent that would allow a dog. He and I both want a dog, but for different reasons. I want company and someone to give my attention to, and he wanted someone to be here to protect me. :) Well, we found this cute little house just six block away. It's about 1,000 square feet and the landlord is charging us less than our apartment. Super great. So we found this house on a Saturday, and looked at it on a Monday, signed a lease on Wednesday, and were completely moved out of our apartment by Saturday. Wheew!

So here is my cute little living room. There are built in shelves on the wall and corner shelves.

My kitchen has lots of storage and an original drain-sink. I love it.

Because we don't have our on-site pay to use washer and dryer, we had to buy some. Oh, darn. Bleu got me some gently used front loading stackables and they are amazing!!
One week later..... I told Bleu after we had been looking at dogs for what seemed like forever, I told him, " I'm tired of looking at dogs. The only two that we agree on is the doberman and the great dane. Just pick one." That very same day, he came to work with a steel blue colored great dane puppy with blue eyes. She's the sweetest little thing ever and She's so smart and very well behaved for her age. Just after a day or two of practice, she will sit and stay, and we are working on lay down. She knows that she's not allowed on the carpet, and does pretty good when there's nothing baracading the doorway. She's very curious and playful. She cuddles when she's sleepy and plays on her own as well as with Bleu and me.

These are from the first week we had her. She's already grown so much and will keep growing and growing and growing...... We named her Kami and as you can see, she LOVES Bleu. She loves when he comes home and plays with her. It's cute, but I'll admit I get jealous every now and again. :)

Okay that's all I can do for today. I will report later!!

I've Missed You!

2009-09-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've been without the internet for about two or three weeks and it's been tough. BUT! It's here, and I have LOADS to talk about so look forward to lots of posts about lots of changes for the Hawkleys. Till next time....

The Jury Has Reached a Verdict.

2009-08-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

As you might know, I've seen a doctor about my swelling and feeling sick and so forth. I saw the kidney specialist today and we talked about what's been going on lately and he looked at the lab results that my last doctor sent to him.

.............DRUMROLL.......................

Because my protein levels are so low and comparable to a very sick person, the doctor made a suggestion that I didn't want to hear. I'll be starting dialysis at the beginning of next month and we will do lab work every month to monitor the progression. If that doesn't go well then the next step would be to start thinking about having family members tested for a tissue match in case the need for a transplant arises.

So the next step for me is to tell you that I am completely and totally kidding about all of that. Hee hee! I'm fine. The doc says it's most likely that the numbers are so low because pregnancy can do that to a woman's protein, and they've stayed that low because of the deep depression I was in and it caused my appetite to drop, which lead to the malnutrition. Just to check it out, he's doing pretty much a repeat to see how I'm progressing and says that from a kidney perspective, he doesn't see any problems. The swelling in my ankles is almost gone, which feels GREAT!

I'm also working with a Health Coach on getting back into a healthy lifestyle with eating the foods that my body needs and starting a personalized exercise program. I will actually be checked up on every few weeks to see if I'm doing what I said I would. :) I continue to loose weight for reasons unknown to me, but I'm thinking that these new lifestyle changes will help me be a healthier person.

I also have to factor in that I have been through a WHOLE LOT physically and spiritually the past few months and these have definitely taken their toll. I was beaten down in many ways and those all need to be addressed. It's a hard knock life. But that's life--it wasn't meant to be easy.

So there you have it. Just another day in Paradise.

Update on Life in the Crazy Lane

2009-08-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well Hawaii was amazing. Scuba diving was AWESOME. The beach was great. It was super nice to get away - just the two of us and enjoy eachother's company.

Because two weeks off work just wasn't enough for me, I decided to go ahead and get 1st and 2nd degree burns on the back of my legs. hmph. I didn't really decide that, but I was the one dumb enough to depend on keeping my legs underwater. Bad idea. Horrible idea.

Today, almost two weeks post-burn, I am almost able to walk normally and without grimacing. I tried to go to work Monday and was sent home by my boss. So I went to my doctor and when I showed her the burns.... ( which were now deep red in color and mostly covered in blisters) I made her gasp. Yes. LITERALLY gasp and "oh.. no...." over and over. She told me that it's basically one big open wound and to consider myself scolded. She is having me treated as a burn victim. I've been slathered with ointment, covered in gauze and wrapped with ace bandages. Plus given antibiotics and awesome pain killers. I have to change the dressings twice a day, which Sara has been wonderful enough to help me with for the first few days. Now I've mastered it on my own. It's humbling to go to a doctor and show her what I did to myself, but I'm so glad that I went in because it's helped so so much. I'm on the second bout of blisters, and my left leg's skin has turned black, but I feel so much better. The swelling in my legs is down dramatically--my right knee is almost able to straighten. But my feet are still an issue.

I had the opportunity to see a Reflexologist in Farmington that's a friend of Bleu's family. She zoned my feet and talked to me about all of the emotions that go alongside the problems I'm having with my kidneys and overall health. It was great to actually have an idea of what I can do to help fix it! there are alot of things that need addressed, and I have a lot of work to do, but now that I know, it's like a new light. I feel like there is an end in sight and it's very encouraging. I will be seeing her again soon, and I also have an appointment with a Nephrologist later in the month.

Doctor Says....

2009-07-22T10:13:00.001-07:00

"I'm confused, too. You have no reason to be sick."

Whaaattt?

So the lowdown according to last month's lab results is: I have "strikingly" low protein levels in my blood comparable to a person who is in-the-hospital-sick or suffering from a chronic illness. The protein is what keeps the water in the veins. Because I have no protein, the water is escaping through the walls of the veins and pooling in my feet, which is causing the swelling. The two reasons for that to happen is kidney or liver disfunction, which my labs show neither. So I have no reason for this to be happening.

I told her that I was confused because of all of the protein that I eat, and I eat well. She's confused, too. So we took some more blood to check the protein again. If my protein level has improved at all, she is going to assume a nutritional imbalance and it should slowly get better. If there is no change, or it's the same then she will be doing phone consultations with a kidney specialist, liver specialist, and a vascular surgeon to see if I need to be refered to one of them.

In the meantime, I am eating more protein and calories, and I'm going to start wearing compression socks at night to try and control the swelling. I should get the lab results tomorrow. Hopefully all goes well and I won't be refered to a surgeon--Scary! /:

More Bloodwork

2009-07-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

Well it's been one month and I'm going in for my follow up. I'm doing it all over again. Bloodwork. I really don't enjoy it.
I've been feeling a little better lately, my sick feeling is not a daily thing and the headaches are pretty rare anymore. I've been having some sharp stomach pains so we'll have to talk about that tomorrow. My appetite is a little better and I'm eating more so that's probably helping me take more calories. We shall see in a few days. Wish me luck!

Great News:

2009-06-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

I'm Malnourished! Why is that news so great?? Because it's NOT Kidney Disease. When was the last time that your doctor told you that you needed to take in more Protein and Calories? Weird, but oh well. My cholesterol is normal, but my good cholesterol is way low, and my protein is way low. So I'm taking more vitamins, eating more protein and calories, and Bleu is determined to get me running in the morning. Hmmmm. I don't like that idea. But I'm happy to know that I'm Malnourished. Crazy. But hopefully all of these changes will help me feel better. Staying away from the calories is not the best way to eat healthy. That's why it's called a balanced diet. :) But I'm also happy to report that my sugar/sweets aversion stuck with me. I still can't eat very much and rarely find myself craving sweets. I still crave fruit. YESSSS!! It's so good.

Trust in the Lord....

2009-06-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

...with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. --Proverbs 3:5-6

I've been consistently sick for about a month now. None of my symptoms made any sense and I just assumed that I was still physically and emotionally recovering from Tristan's birth and death. When Bleu (the Doctor hater ;)) suggested that I see a doctor, I realized that this has gone far enough.

After yet another sleepless night, I was laying my head on the table at work concentrating on feeling well enough to make it through a six hour day. My boss came into the room and said my name, startling me -- I was almost asleep with two very large copiers going behind me. She said "Mickaela, go home. Get some rest; we'll be fine without you."

So I filled in 1.25 hours for the day and went home and made an appointment to see a doctor. Yesterday I went in and the doctor ordered a urinalysis and blood work including a full blood count, liver function, kidney function.... the works. I got a call today and she asked to have me come back in for the very same thing on Thursday. I won't explain everything she did just to make a long and boring story short.

I have very low protein count, and she is concerned enough that she wants to do another blood and urine test for kidney disease. I looked online and finally all of my symptoms make sense.

swelling of feet
headaches
upset stomach
fatigue
dizziness
loss of memory
forgetfulness
lack of concentration

They seem pretty random until they all show up on one page as a list of symptoms. We don't know for sure, that's why we are testing further. But I would really appreciate a few extra prayers on behalf of the doctors and lab technicians so that they can see what is happening and what needs to be done.

Love you all..

Bleu's Coming Home!

2009-06-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

------Aloha!------
And I don't mean hello.
I mean goodbye.
Cause we are leaving!
To Hawaii!
For a whole WEEK!

Bleu and I decided we need a vacation and LOTS of time together. We didn't get too much of a honeymoon when we got married besides two nights in a hotel.... and both of us were sick..... and I went to school two days later.
We talked about going to Hawaii before we got married, just after we got married, a while after we got married..... and now we've stopped talking about it. I just booked the flight and hotel. My heart was POUNDING! I've never spent that much money all at once--YIKES! But we've been saving for something like this for a long time, and BY GOLLY, WE NEED A BREAK!

Just so you all know the latest, Bleu is on the list for deployment in September. (another reason Hawaii sounds nice) It's a "most likely" situation. Bleu seems to be okay with it on the outside, and I've come to terms with the idea. Bleu and I have been apart for half of our marriage, and we will still be apart for half of our marriage when he gets home in 2010. But I've thought about it all and I would just rather get it over and done with. I thought of ways to postpone, but it's inevitable...... so why not just do it now before we have any kids and I'm working.

I have thought about some different options that I have, and I might go back to school and get my CNA. I've thought about it before and after the wonderful care that I received at the hospital, I think I would enjoy doing something like that. We are also thinking of buying a house, but might need to wait till Bleu gets a job. We aren't sure if we will be able to get one before he leaves, but we will try. He really wants to work at Airport #2 in West Jordan as a Helicopter Mechanic.

We decided that no matter what happens---whether he leaves or stays---we are going to have a great summer together and do lots of things like camping, hiking, and whatever else we come up with.....like going to Hawaii. :)

Aloha.....

My Therapy

2009-06-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have suffered from Anxiety and Depression for years without anyone recognizing it.
Only after a wise Family Practice Doctor spotted me, did I know that my "not feeling well" symptoms wasn't a virus. I went in to the Dr. and told him about my headaches and body aches. He checked me out and started asking me about my eating habits, which were not good, and sleeping patterns, also not good, school, stress, etc. He asked if I had ever been treated for my Depression and Anxiety. I looked at him and started to cry.

As I now battle Postpartum Depression, and it's a beast, I look back on the years and notice that my ups and downs are sometimes triggered by my environment, the situation, but a lot of times.......how I feel about myself.
one definition of depression is: a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity. Depression is often linked with low self-esteem and in my opinion, makes matters much worse.

Bleu and I were having a discussion on the phone and he was very confused at why I was feeling so inadequate, sad and like I had failed. It just didn't make any sense to him and when he repeated it back, it didn't make sense to me either, but that's how I felt. So Bleu talked to me and finally convinced me that I was an amazing woman and had done so well with everything that was happening and he called me Super Woman. He said that I need to learn how to be more confident on my own because he might not be here all the time to remind me. He also frankly told me that he was tired of hearing me say things that put myself down because it's not true.

So since there is no Super Woman, I found this Wonder Woman Notebook. And the first page says:

I AM WONDER WOMAN!

This is my Wonder Woman notebook. Sometimes I need to remind myself and be reminded by Bleu and others that I'm not as bad as I think. I can't depend on others to keep reminding me, so this is my way of reminding myself that I'm great. So this is where I can write down the reasons that I'm Wonder Woman. Also, I hope that Bleu will contribute so that when he's gone, I can read what he wrote.

The main things that Bleu has me try to remember are:
keep thinking about good things
Bleu loves me very much
I'm doing a good job
I'm beautiful

My WW book only has a few pages filled, but it's a start. I've already had to re-read and remind myself a few times.... but that's what it's for. I've also printed some of the comments from a lot of you that read this blog that have made me feel so good. They are taped in the pages. I have a picture of Rosie the Riveter, and an email from a friend that made me feel good. When I told mom about it, she said it was a good idea, and wrote a letter in it, too.

Somedays I'm WW because I shared my testimony with someone, or touched someone in some way. Other days I'm WW because I got out of bed at nine instead of ten. I also write things that make me feel good like smelling lilacs at the park or knowing that Bleu loves me.

Today I'm Wonder Woman because I am so proud of my son and know that he has taught so many people more than I could ever imagine already.

I would really love for you, whoever is reading, to write a note, letter, whatever to Wonder Woman and share your testimony with me. They make me feel the best! It will all go into the WW notebook to help me remember on bad days. And if Tristan has taught you something, please --I would love to know because I might not have learned it yet. I love you so much--everyone who has been here for me.

Pictures and Poem

2009-05-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

There was a man that offered to take some pictures of Tristan at the Hospital and the nurses strongly suggested that I let him. So I figured if they were free, why not go ahead and do it? I said that I didn't want much and he didn't do much--BUT he did a beautiful job. There's a lady that works with him that made a little cardboard book with the pictures and some words in and around them. It's just as perfect as it can be. On the back it has this poem and I thought it was very sweet and wanted to share it, since I haven't been feeling up to blogging very much. So here's just a glimpse of what they did.

The world may never notice
If a flower doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
author unknown

Time to Stop Crying

2009-04-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

Every time I look at our blog, it makes me cry because of all of the wonderful support and love that everyone has shown. I love you all so much. Now, it's time to stop crying.

Mom and I went to my two week post-op appointment with Dr. Luikenaar. She looked at the incision and said it looked great. Because I didn't get stapled, we didn't really have anything to do but talk about what happened, and how long everything will take to heal. She also said that I could take the steri-strips off in the shower any time and that is exactly what I did today. I was a little nervous, because without my glasses, I couldn't see what was going on down there. But they are all off, and I'm still in one piece.

As for the recovery, I'm doing really well. Mom and I go on a walk around the apartment complex every day. My walking is getting better every day, I'm able to go up and down the stairs without help, and I've started helping in the kitchen. I think I would survive without mom here, but it sure is nice to have her. I don't think I could do all of the work that she does around here. I still get pretty tired easily and try to take it easy. I'm planning on going back to work at the beginning of June.

As for Bleu, he went back to Virginia Wednesday evening. Because he missed almost two weeks of school, he was scheduled to go back to 4th Platoon--where he sits and waits for an opening in a class, or starts over. Before he left, he said that he anticipated being in 4th Platoon for at least a week. Well, Heavenly Father is truly watching out for us. One soldier went A-WAL and there was one opening in a class and Bleu got in the very same day he got on base. So he's only been set back two weeks and should be done with school by the end of June. We are both super excited for him to come home.

That's the update for now. I need to find out what I'm going to be doing for the next month--if I feel good enough to travel, I'd like to see all of my family before going back to work. But I also have lots of things that need taken care of here. That's all for now, Love you all.

Oh Mother, My Mother

2009-04-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
Invisible fingers
Soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
In the day, in the night,
In your dreams
Going into an empty nursery
Knowing I'll never be there
But I am.. in your heart
In your soul, I shall always be
For you gave so unselfishly of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
Such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love
Of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know
You shared with me.
And even though I may never
Feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
And your spirit giving me a safe haven already protecting me
Nurturing me
Preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
Of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on
To another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
And I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
That yours was the first love
The first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
You gave me the courage to
Go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always
Call me to you.
Love, Your Child

My Little Soldier Boy

2009-04-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

Tristan Michael Hawkley

April 12, 2009-April 13, 2009

For those of you who don't know:

Easter Sunday, I dropped Bleu off at the airport around noon before going to church. After Church, I was laying in be reading when my water broke around four o'clock. Sarah was home, and we packed up and went to the hospital. I called my mom and she left immediately from Shelley, Idaho. I left a message with Bleu, who was on his way to Georgia on a layover to Virginia.

When we arrived, I explained the situation to the doctors and they put me on observation. Because I was only 31 weeks, I was given a shot of steroids to jump start the development of Tristan's lungs. The goal was to keep me pregnant for 48 hours to give the two doses of steroids time to take effect. I was put on a fetal monitor to keep tabs on his heartbeat. My contractions had started en route to the hospital and felt stronger by then. When I first arrived, I was dilated to a two, and about an hour later, was a three.

After the doctors had gotten all of the monitors hooked up, they said that we would just keep him in as long as we can for the steroids. But, at the first sign of distress on the baby, or me, they would go straight to the O.R.

My brother-in-law, Gavin, and Grandpa Wayne came and gave me a blessing. Gavin informed us that Bleu was on a plane back to Salt Lake and would be here at midnight. Just after talking to a Pediatric Specialist and signing papers for operation, I had a contraction, and heard Tristan's heart rate drop dramatically. Just as soon as the contraction left, his heart rate came up again. The doctor came in and I knew we were going to have to do a C-section right then. He said "It's time to have a baby."

Everything went fine with the exception of the internal fetal monitor(s). (I don't want to talk about it)

The Specialist came in again after looking at Tristan and told me that his head was large in comparisson to the rest of his body, and his left side is smaller than the right. They did a scan and found that there was no lung tissue in the left side. His right lung is fine, but the chances of his survival off of ventilation is slim. He also said that the pressure of the excessive amniotic fluid had bruised his body pretty badly.

I was able to see Tristan a few minutes later, and I knew that my little boy was the one with the brown curly hair. The nurse told me that there was a hemorrhage in his head between his skin and skull. She explained that type of hemorrhage just keeps going because the skin is so stretchy that it doesn't stop the bleeding. They had ordered blood and fluids from the bank to compensate for the fluids lost. She said that they would try to keep him alive until Bleu got there.

Two volunteer Priesthood holders came and gave Tristan a blessing. I stayed with him until Bleu came. Bleu and Gavin gave him a name and a blessing, and then Bleu and I were left alone with Tristan to say goodbye. He was taken off of the ventilator between 1 and 2 and went shortly after.

We had a very small funeral service for our immediate family members Saturday April 18.

Tristan was a blessing right from the start. Bleu and I love him very much and are proud to be his parents. We are excited and looking forward to seeing him again. We have such loving and supportive friends and family that help us along the way. We all love you, Tristan. We'll see you again someday.

Quick Update

2009-04-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

I went to see Dr. Luikenaar this morning, and since I'm 30 weeks, I was hoping to measure around 34 cm because I've been 4 cm too big the past two appointments. Well, no such luck. I am 36 cm. Dr. Luikenaar didn't seem too concerned. She said that she's seen women measure 50 cm before. (I REALLY REALLY hope it doesn't come to that)

She did check my cervix like Dr. Byrne suggested, and said that I'm dilated to a one, but very long. She said that it's further than she'd like to see me at this stage, but again, not too worried.

The baby's heartbeat was fine, and my blood pressure, temperature, and weight (160.5!) were all fine, too. So I see her again in two weeks. I have an ultrasound a week from tomorrow, so we will see what's going on inside then!

I'm still getting used to the bed rest thing. It's so hard to stay down when there is so much that I want to do. But I have a stack of books, and I get bigger and more uncomfortable every day so it gets easier to stay down because of the contractions.

Bleu gets to come see me this weekend. He's excited to have a turn taking care of me. His training is going pretty good for him. They are doing more hands on training, so it's more entertaining, but the computer and classroom stuff still drives him bonkers. He's in student leadership and has some authority and responsibility so that takes up a little more of his down time. He's getting good grades, and just can't wait to come home. He is still planning on applying for the mechanic job out at airport #2 in West Jordan when he gets home. So that's the plan for now.

Well that's all till next time! Love ya

BIG BUDDA BELLY

2009-03-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

I knew I was getting big, but I've grown so much in one month! Just so you can see the difference, here is my picture from 25 weeks.And here we are at 29 weeks. I look completely different. I even have dark hair and glasses.I had a friend tell me that I need to take pictures every week now so we can see just how big I get before I go into labor. I told Bleu that I wanted to try and make it to Memorial Day weekend because he might be able to come home. He just laughed. That would be 37 weeks, and I haven't really found anyone that thinks I will make it that far.

Has anyone else noticed that I always have exactly the same clothes on in every single picture?? It's not on purpose either! I think I have one with a different pair of pants. But I wear those sweats ALL the time. they are so comfortable. The only time I'm not wearing them is when they're in the wash, or when I'm at work. Now that I'm done working, I will forever be in those sweat pants. I'm not complaining one bit.

Photo Tag from Heidi

2009-03-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

1. Go to your picture folder on your computer or wherever you store your pictures.

2. Go to your 6th folder and then choose the 6th picture.

3. Post it on your blog and then tell the story that goes with the picture.

4. Tag 6 other lucky people to do the same thing and leave a comment on their blog telling them about it.
Um.. I'm not in this picture at all, but it was the 6th one. I'm just playin' by the rules here, okay? This was our Dixon Family Reunion '08 in Idaho Falls on the Fourth of July. We spent the day at Freeman Park and had a few canopies set up, and there was a big field that we played all sorts of games on. This was a trust-building activity. We were divided up into teams because we have so many people. But the idea of this particular activity was that the team members would make two lines facing eachother and be able to "bounce" someone who was laying on thier back in everyone's arms. They start on one end, and you all bounce them and slowly move them to the end of the line. There were a few falls, but we had fun.

Now I am tagging.... Stacy, Sharon, Jennifer Carlson, Jennifer Anderson, Danna, and Raelynn.

Another Ultrasound

2009-03-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with Dr. Luikenaar on Monday and everything went pretty standard. I asked her if I could get a temporary Handicapped Parking Permit for when I need to go somewhere and I don't have someone to drop me off at the door. She said that was a good idea and she would sign the papers...she just didn't know what papers need to be signed. :) So I did some research the next day and found the form for her to fill out, and dropped it off for her this morning. The office is going to fax it to the DMV for me, and that's that! Easy!

So we also heard the heartbeat again, which was normal, and measured my belly. Two weeks ago I was 26 weeks and measuring 30 cm. This week I am 28 weeks and measuring 32 cm. So I'm still 4 cm too big, but at least it's been steady. After all of the fun stuff, I got two different nurses -- one gave me a shot in the butt, and the other poked me in the arm to draw blood. :( But the good news is that my Glucose test was fine, and my Iron level is fine.

This morning, I had another ultrasound. We did the standard stuff, measuring the head, and legs, and heart rate. I wanted the stenographer to tell me which bump is what body part, because I can't figure it out. His head is down in my pelvis, his bum is above my belly button, and his feet are kicking me in the right ribcage.

Dr. Byrne came in and we took an AFI (Amniotic Fluid Index) which was still a 32. Then of course, Dr. Byrne poked, and shook and jabbed the poor kid for a few minutes, and still no movement. We got a great view of his tongue, and it did move, which is good, but still no swallowing. His belly is still empty. Here is the little clip of his tongue moving.

The Nurse got the cutest view of his little lips and nose, but didn't snap a picture. It was just plain adorable. I teared up a little bit. We could see his lips, and his chubby chin, and his nostrils. I wish I had a picture to show you. But here are some that she did save.

This is his face. You can see his eyelids and his lips. I love those chubby little cheeks!!
This is a video of the same shot. The little circle on the left side is a cross section of his arm. At the very end of the clip you can see it move just a little... That's movement at his shoulders that the doctor looks for. His shoulders move pretty well. I've seen his arms in all different kinds of positions. He's usually in a boxing pose, though. My little fighter.

Here's another profile looking at the side of his face, focusing on the tongue.

And.... yes. It's a boy.

Dr. Byrne asked if I had talked to Dr. Luikenaar about delivering at the University Hospital, and we all agree that would be the best option. She asked if Bleu would be able to come home for the delivery, and I told her that we aren't sure. But I did ask her if I were able to carry to a certain number of weeks and be able to schedule a C Section; there may be a possibility for Bleu to be here. You know, if we could plan ahead if I carried far enough. I asked how far do I need to carry for everything to be okay. She said that she would be comfortable with anything after 34 weeks and 36 would be better. It was kindof like "let's try and make it that far" I really don't think my body will be able to hold till 38 or 40 weeks..and I'm beginning to feel like Dr. Byrne shares that prediction. So 36 weeks is the goal 34 would be okay.

One of the things that Dr. Byrne said that I should be watching for is leaking fluid. I have heard that some women aren't sure when thier water breaks. So we talked about that, too. She said that there are a few differences between leaking fluid/water breaking and loosing control of your bladder. Coughing, sneezing, laughing, or sudden movements can cause you to wet your pants a bit. She says that usually is very short, and quits. Fluid continues. Activity level is a good clue too, because if I'm laying down watching a movie, reading, and start feeling wet, that would most likely be fluid. Also she said if I wake up in a puddle, that's fluid. She said that because the reason for my water to break would be from the pressure, and that would cause the fluid to gush more than leak and that I should head to the U when that happens, and go straight to Delivery, not Emergency. If it's an unlikely false alarm, I'm there, and we can check everything out to make sure I'm okay to go home.

Dr. Byrne asked if Dr. Luikenaar had checked my cervix at the last appointment. I said no, and she said that we might do that next time. Probably to see if it's closed, or if there's any dialation.

Because he's not swallowing, I asked if he will have a sucking reflex and if he will have to stay in the hospital until that is resolved. She said that will be one thing that we will have to wait to see; sometimes babies aren't born with the reflex, but develop it, and he does need to stay in the hospital until we find out if he has it, if he will develop it, or if he will be able to eat at all. So I asked if he isn't able to suck or swallow, will we put a feeding tube in? She said that there is that possibility. A feeding tube can be put through his nose into his stomach, but those are only temporary (about 2 weeks) and if the development takes longer than that, they will probably put a tube straight through his tummy to his stomach. I've had experience with these, and that's not a problem. I even know which model and accessories I want! :) If the tongue thing is neurological, there is a chance that eating orally may be learned later in life. But again...we'll have to wait and see. But it's good to be prepared. Whatever the case may be, I feel very strongly about having him just on my milk and not the feeding stuff they give them in the hospital. So I might be feeling like a cow, but he's getting the nutrition he needs. :) MOO.

So there ya go. Not really a whole mess of new discoveries, but no news is good news. I feel better this week mostly because I'm learning to chill and sit down. I think that the bed rest is going to be good for the both of us. I will need the extra energy after the surgery. I have an appointment with Dr. Luikenaar on April 7th and another ultrasound on the 15th.

We are so excited to see him!! Love you all

I got tagged!

2009-03-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

4 Jobs I've Had:

The Learning Center working with disabled children--Best Job EVER! I miss it so much!
Waitress at Red Lobster
ArtTix Ticket seller--phone jobs suck.
Night Janitor at Family History Library. Great Location, Crappy hours, Smelly work.
Print Room at WesTech Engineering. Gopher work--I love it.

4 Movies I've watched more than once:

Lonestar State of Mind--hilarious
Iron Man--Bleu LOVES it
Italian Job--we both love it
Borne Trilogy--awesome

4 Places I've been:

Las Vegas, Nevada
Disneyland, California
Waikiki, Hawaii
Pearl Harbor, Hawaii

4 Places I've lived:

Shelley, Idaho
Bakersfield, California
Pocatello, Idaho
Salt Lake City, Utah

4 People who email me regularly:

My Mommy
Sharon Lawley
Katie
Carol Williams

4 Favorite Foods:

Orange Juice
Chicken Taco Salad
Steak n' Potatoes
Nachos

4 Things I'm looking forward to this year:

Having my husband home
being a mommy
buying a house
building a family

4 TV shows I watch:

Seinfeld
King of Queens
Scrubs
House

4 People I tag:

Danna Pettit
Sharon Lawley
Torrie Nicholas
Katie Purser

Now go to a picture folder and upload the 4th picture:

This is Christmas Break before Bleu and I got married. We spent three weeks making my dress, planning the wedding, and I was BEAT! Whenever I took a nap, or slept at night, all three dogs (mine, mom's and trina's) were always sleeping with me.

Water Balloon

2009-03-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Water Balloons are so fun aren't they?

I remember making them when I was a kid and only filling them up a little so they would last longer. But it was also very fun to fill the really big ones until they were so tight we could barely tie it off.

Well, I think you know where I'm going with this. I guess you can just think of me as a giant water balloon---the kind that you fill up till it's too tight to tie.

I had my appointment today and I'm not terribly surprised, but definitely disappointed. I am being considered a "Very High-risk Pregnancy" and have been put on Modified Bed rest. Dr. Luikenaar changed the orders to allow me to work 4 hours at the most for the next two weeks so that I can train a replacement. After the two weeks, I will be staying home. I can't do any lifting over 20lbs, no bending, no walking (prolonged). It's okay for me to get up to fix meals, etc. and also said it's okay to go to the grocery store, but keeping in mind the walking part. She said that it's not as strict as staying in bed all day long, because of blood clots, but just to stay down, take it slow, and easy.

We went over the ultrasound results and she confirmed that a Vaginal Delivery would most likely not happen. She wants to see me every two weeks starting now, and also have an ultrasound every two weeks starting now to measure the fluid. We want to keep the baby inside as long as we can to make sure he develops as much as he needs to.

So kind of frustrated... I'm a pretty active person, so it's going to be hard for me to be on bed rest, but Sara was with me and she knows all of the rules, and will be the enforcer. I do have a sewing machine that I can learn some more on, and I think I'll have mom teach me to crochet some blankets for the little man, and maybe one for her, and whoever else. :) I love to read, and it's getting sunny, so maybe I can set up a chair out in the sun and bask with a book or two. (That was Bleu's idea.)

Speaking of the daddy.... He's taking it all like a champ. He even wanted me to talk to the landlord about moving to the ground level so I don't have to climb stairs. :) Sweet, but I really don't want to move. He asked to talk to Sara and made sure that she would take care of me and take me to the hospital. He said that he would be talking to his Drill Sergeants about when the next 4 day weekend is and whether or not he can take a few days off and fly home to see me. He's being very supportive and wishes he could be here. He's doing such a good job.

Well I think that's about it for now. Thanks again to everyone for reading, sending words of encouragement, your prayers, and everything. It means so much and our little family appreciates it SO much! We love you!

SMILE

2009-03-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile through your tears and sorrow,
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
If you light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use in crying?
You'll find that life is still worth while, if you just Smile.

Well, what else can I do?

I got a phone call a few days ago from a nurse at Dr. Luikenaar's office saying that it would be fine for me to fly.

THEN

I got a phone call this morning from a nurse. Dr. Luikenaar said that after thinking about what we found in the last ultrasound, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to fly in my condition. She said that I need to stay in areas that have the Hospitals that are capable of what we might need in case I deliver early.

Also, the nurse asked about FMLA and if I wanted to stop working right now. I said that I wanted to work as long as I can depending on how I feel and when the baby comes. The nurse said "well, Dr. Luikenaar may want to put you on moderate bedrest, meaning no trips, no long walks, strenuous activity....you would be able to get up for things like cooking and using the bathroom. She also wanted to see you before you planned on going anywhere."

I have an appointment scheduled for the 23rd, and told the nurse about it. She said yes, but Dr. Luikenaar would like to see me sooner than that. So we made an appointment for tomorrow at 4pm to discuss the ultrasound results and FMLA and the Bedrest subject.

I was able to talk to Bleu during his lunch break and told him the news. He was a little frustrated that it had changed from "ok" to "not ok" in two days, but understands that we need to do what's best for the baby. He said "well, you have a sewing machine, you could definately get a lot done." :) He took a big breath and said "Well, we'll just do what we can."

I'm really hoping that I will be able to go to our Girl's Weekend Out, but I will have to discuss it with the Doctor. I don't know how much driving I'll be allowed to do by myself.

SO! I will be going in to see her tomorrow, and I will be sure to let you know what happens.

Till tomorrow--

Ultrasound Update

2009-03-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

I had an ultrasound this morning. Bleu and I had discussed earlier about his opinion that I should stop having ultrasounds and wait till the baby is born to do anything. I told him that I agree with the Dr.'s and I also agree with him, and that I would be talking to Dr. Byrne about our concerns. If the ultrasounds are strictly precautionary, then I would ask not to have any more ultrasounds till the end of the pregnancy.

Dr. Byrne has given me the go ahead to say that this is Arthrogryposis. We were hoping that it was Dystal Arthrogryposis where the hands and feet are the only ones effected, but there is a "progression" or diminished fetal movement at the hips and knees. His hands are clenched, with overlapping fingers, and his wrists have started to cock backwards.

That's not really good or bad news, it's just new news. We measured the amount of amniotic fluid, and found an excess and after checking his face for swallowing movement and belly for fullnes, we are assuming that he is not swallowing the way he should. This could mean a symptom of Arthrogryposis, or could also be a Neurological disorder that can't be diagnosed at this time.

The risks of these factors are,
If the amniotic fluid is not measured, or kept track of, it could get to an unsafe volume and cause the membranes to rupture and start a pre-term labor, also leading to a chance of severe hemmorage. I should be watching for leaking fluid, or contracting of my stomach (more than 4-5 times in an hour.) If the amount becomes too excessive, we may have to drain some of the fluid by way of amniocentisis. AGAIN.

If the baby becomes fixed in a position, Example: his knees and hips don't move, A vaginal delivery will be difficult for mom and baby, if not impossible. In a normal delivery, the baby's head is the biggest, and most difficult to deliver. But if his hips and knees don't straighten out, that will be a different story. If we don't know the status of the baby before delivery, and we try natural, he could get stuck in the birth canal, which is unsafe for both mom and baby.

Dr. Byrne and I went over mine and Bleu's concerns and she said that it is both necessary and precautionary to be having routine ultrasounds basically because there isn't really another way to check the fluid levels other than by measurements from an ultrasound. She highly suggested that I deliver at the University Hospital so that specific types of Specialists can be there if we need them to see the baby directly after the birth. If his Arthrogryposis effects his knees, I may not have to do the casting for his club feet. Alot of kids learn to walk more successfully on thier knees. So we'll see how he does before making any decisions.

All in all, I am still overwhelmingly greatful that he's still with me. There are so many things that could have gone wrong that haven't. I thank Heavenly Father for that every day. He's my little angel and I'm so blessed to have him. I think he teaches me something new every day already. Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Bleu started class this morning, so I'm excited to say that there is an end in sight. Only 15 weeks to go. It's a coin toss whether or not he'll make it home in time for the delivery. I think it all depends on the wee one, and how long he wants to stay in my belly. I was planning on flying out to see Bleu for his birthday, but I've left messages with both of my doctors asking if after all of our findings, it will be safe. I'll be at 28 weeks. In a normal pregnancy it would probably be fine. But I'm always better safe than sorry.

I love you all, and thank you so much for everything. Keep those prayers comin'!

Hoaddy-Tow!

2009-03-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

25 weeks! Wide Load comin' through! At Church one of the girls told me she was that big when she delivered. Thanks.

So there you go. I'm getting bigger every day. I went to see Dr. Luikenaar last week and weighed in at a whopping 152 lbs- the heaviest I've ever been in my whole life. Dr. L. said not to worry like most women do because I'm still on track. When we lifted my shirt to measure my belly, she looked at it and said, "oh, ya. that's ALL baby fat. NO mommy fat there. You'll have no trouble losing weight after the baby." :) That made me feel pretty good.

We measured my tummy, PERFECT! And listened to the heartbeat which was in the range that it should be. So everything was fine and dandy. I will go back to her in 3 weeks for a glucose tolerance test, and we'll check my iron levels again, and I get a shot for something I can't remember-I think it's for Rheubella? I'll be 28 weeks at that time, and then I'll be going in every 2 weeks. I can't believe it's come so fast!

So I also have an ultrasound appointment for tomorrow morning where I will be asking Dr. Byrne if all of this is really necessary. If there is no change, than I want to know if it really makes a difference or what exactly they are doing. Cause it's a little annoying going in so often.

So hopefully I will have some good news for everyone tomorrow.

Love you!

Cute Craft

2009-02-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

I am learning how to sew! And I keep picking the fabric that's hard to sew. Hmmm. Well I thought this would be a piece of cake, and then I realized that I don't really know how to sew yet. :) It's just a square, right? with curved corners, loopy fabric, and bias tape, and a needle that doesn't always stay threaded....... Easy right?

Well I did get it done in one night, so I guess that's a start. It was fun because it's for my cute little baby boy.

You like my model? It's all I have right now. I know he's nowhere near as cute as who it's meant for, but he'll do. :)

So there's a cute little pocket to keep his little head warm.
And of course, we have "Stressed Out Duck" - really, that's what it said on the package. How cute is that?

2009-02-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know if anyone remembers, but I went to my friend, Kristy's house and we took pictures of my "half-way mark." We took these when I was 20 weeks, and I've just gotten the energy to put them on the blog. We realized that 20 weeks is not quite far enough... so there were only a few angles that worked to catch the belly. But here are a few that I like.

Dear Universe:

2009-02-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

Some questions for you...

1. Why does my kitchen NEVER stay clean?
2. If death is part of life, why is it the hardest part?
3. I don't get jet lag. It's 8:30 and Bleu is out like a light. Why can't our brains change time zones, too?
4. How come 9 months is only an eternity when you are pregnant.... and when you aren't pregnant, it's gone before you know it?
5. How come I forget EVERYTHING that is important, but can remember the most random details that don't make any difference in anything?
6. Where are my keys?
7. I don't understand that we get up every morning, go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, go to work..... etc. Tell me again why I wanted to grow up so bad??
8. Why is money so important, and what would life be without it?
9. Why can't I be good at Math?
10. How do motivated people stay motivated? On second thought... How can I stay motivated?
11. Why do we (humans) have to be so stinky? Really- We fart, poop, sweat, we get morning breath, and just all day bad breath...... I'd like to smell like the forest, personally.
12. Why was I so bendy and flexible in High School and now I can't touch my toes? (besides the big belly in the way)
13. How come being pregnant can be so wonderful and awful at the same time?
14. Why can't women hand off the pain to the husband for a weekend-like vacation from pregnant pain. I vote that goes into consideration.
15. Why do I want to eat very peculiar things? And where did all of these EMOTIONS come from?

Hungry, Hungry Hippo

2009-02-05T19:08:00.000-08:00

It's been four weeks already! Sara took our monthly picture last night and I am surprised every time. I don't realize how big I'm getting till I see the picture. :) It's exciting.

So here we are at 21 weeks. Dr. Luikenaar said that the top of the uterus is right at my belly button, which is exactly where it should be. That's a good sign that the baby is growing at the right pace.

Of course we have the first "modest" picture to send to Bleu, which I'm sure all of the females will see, too. Every time Bleu introduced me to the females in South Carolina, they said how excited they are for me and how cute I look in my pictures and they've seen all of my ultrasound pictures, and on and on. Bleu is a proud daddy. :)

And here we have the scandalous skin picture. My Relief Society President kindly mentioned "why, you're as big as Jenny was right before she had her baby!... How far along are you? Oh, well you are going to... at this rate, you... " :) She means well. Inside my head I hear the song "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

This is just me and Sara being dorks. I was laughing while we were taking pictures, and my stomach was bouncing. I shake my stomach, pat it, and I was looking at how far my belly button stuck out and she thought that was funny and wanted a picture of it. So there you go.

Well that's all for now, I just wanted to show everyone how we are both growing! I love you all!!

Let me Clarify

2009-02-03T11:32:00.000-08:00

I think I might have scared a few people in my update about Arthrogryposis. When I talked to Dr. Burne at the Diagnostic Center, I asked her "So is arthrogryposis what we are looking at?" and she told me yes. In my head, I was thinking that she meant that we were pretty darn sure that was the case, and it was pretty well diagnosed.

I had an appointment with Dr. Luikenaar (my regular OB) and we went over the notes on file from Dr. Burne. Dr. Luikenaar is the greatest doctor for me. She eased my worries about the concerns and let me know that they could be caused by any number of things. She said that the baby wasn't moving as much as Dr. Burne would have liked to see, but that might be a one-time thing......"maybe the baby was tired, and had a long day and didn't want to move..." Dr. Burne included in her notes that there was an excess of amniotic fluid. The only reason that is a cause for concern is that some forms of arthrogryposis effect the tongue. So if there is more amniotic fluid than normal, the baby may not be swallowing correctly. Dr. Luikenaar said "sometimes that just happens, and there's a little bit more fluid, and that's fine." We also talked about how it's a really good thing that I am feeling the baby move around. Dr. Luikenaar said that's great, and even a little surprising, because it's so early to be feeling him move. But she did say to keep track and notice any changes or patterns so that if the movement fades, or happens less often, we might want to make note of that.

So there hasn't been a diagnosis of anything other than his club feet, and that he's a very stubborn little boy. What we are doing is watching him to see if any other symptoms of arthrogryposis or anything else come up. There are also a few neurological disorders that are associated with these feet/hand characteristics, but those symptoms won't show up until he starts developing (or not developing) certain skills outside the womb, such as eye contact, response to voice or noise, etc.

Just as a reminder, we did see some movement in my last ultrasound, just not as much as we would have liked to see. Dr. Burne, Dr. Luikenaar and I agree that having an ultrasound every month to check his growth and movement is a good idea. So I will definately have my share of ultrasounds by the time I meet this little trouble-maker of ours.

So I hope I didn't scare anyone about anything, and I just wanted to clarify and update on the newest information that we have.

I Love you all and thank you so much for all of your support. You're the best family anyone could ask for.

Family Day, Graduation, and AIT

2009-02-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

I was able to fly down to see Bleu for Family Day and Graduation. It was really cool. Bleu met a guy named Steven Cooper who is living in Lehi with his wife Graceann and son Blake. He enlisted in Murray, and was sent to do training in both his and his wife's home town. :) So Graceann has been visiting Columbia since the middle of December. Cooper's parent's let me stay in a house they own and is up for sale. So we spent most of our time with the Cooper family, and they are a great welcoming and friendly family.

The Coopers and I went to Fort Jackson around 9 to get a good seat. Family Day didn't start till 10 and it was cold outside. We all forgot blankets, I didn't bring my jacket, and we had a three year old boy with us. So Shari (Cooper's mom) bought two blankets, and Jon (Cooper's dad) bought some hot chocolate and we all got to know eachother and sat close and shared blankets. :)

After they got through all of the stuff nobody came to hear, the big guy in charge went to the podium and asked what we were there for and a few people shouted "to see our soldiers!" He said we must not want to see them that bad, and asked us again. Everyone shouted "to see our soldiers!" He said "I don't think they can hear you. WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?" And everyone started screaming "to see our soldiers!" and stomping on the bleachers, whistling, and making all kinds of noise. And he yelled into the microphone "WELL THEN LET'S BRING 'EM OUT!"

Then from across the (huge) field, in the woods, there came smoke grenades colored yellow, purple, and green. That made us all start screaming and making even more noise. You could vaguely hear Toby Keith's song "Courtesy of the Red White and Blue".

They all came running and yelling separated into platoons. It was hard for Graceann and I not to cry. It was the best sight.

The guy told us that we should be proud of what our soldiers have accomplished and how they have learned respect, loyalty, leadership, etc. He said that we were basically done and we could be reunited with our soldier, but they were going to stay exactly where they are untill we find them. "So go find your soldiers!" The bleachers gushed people. It's a good thing that Bleu told me he would be in the back. I tried to look at the faces, but they all looked the same. So I just went straight to the back row only to see lots of the back of everyone's heads. I was trying to look at the sides of their faces, but it was hard because they were all at attention! But I spotted one watching me out of the corner of his eye, so I grabbed him and kissed him. Good thing I picked the right one!

We spent Family Day on base and saw the baracks, some shops, and hung out at the park for a few hours. I did have my first super-crazy pregnant craving and that was California Rolls and Chocolate Milk. :) Bleu laughed and said "Are you serious?... ugh.. you are pregnant!" He had to be back by 9 so we dropped both Bleu and Cooper off till Graduation.

Graduation was longer, and we were there earlier. Both Bleu and Cooper were anxious to get off base so we left right away and had lunch. Bleu and I were both tired, and all he wanted to do was have a long hot shower, take a nap and be in civilian clothes. So we were dropped off at the house and spent the day just napping, cuddling, spending time together and talking about the past, present and future. We had dinner with the Coopers at their home and drove back to the base to drop Bleu off. It was a quick trip and it all went by so fast, but I'm really glad I was able to go.

When Bleu got to Fort Eustice, Virginia, he found out that there is another group that hasn't finished their training yet. So they get to wait. They may not start their training till the first part of March, and it takes 15 weeks to complete. The National Guard will most likely be the first to get a spot if one opens, but if their group doesn't start within the next two weeks, he won't be home in time to be here for the baby's birth. We are pretty dissappointed, but I'm taking it as a blessing in disguise. While Bleu is in training, he is considered active duty and the Insurance covers all of our medical bills. So if the baby is born while he's gone, it's covered 100%. I am anticipating lots of therapy, casting, and maybe surgery in the next few years, so it is definately a blessing that the delivery will be covered by the insurance so that we can get a head start on the others.

So there's another herdle to clear. It is going to be an adventure, and I'm sure we will learn some valuable things from it all. It's strengthening to mine and Bleu's relationship. We are learning to come together as husband and wife even over the miles apart. Life is rough. But if it was easy, we would all be pretty bored, wouldn't we? It gives me something to think about and to pray about and to be greatful for. :) This too, shall pass. Someday I'll look back and understand everything and say "that was easier than I thought!"

Someday. But that day.. is not today.

Arthrogryposis

2009-01-31T15:38:00.000-08:00

Arthrogryposis is the name given to a group of disorders characterized by multiple joint contractures throughout the body present at birth. In the U.S., it occurs about once per every 3,000 live births, and affects both males and females of all ethnic backgrounds.

Causes
Arthrogryposis is usually caused by decreased fetal movements in the womb. The fetus needs to move his/her limbs to develop muscle and joints. If the joints don't move, extra connective tissue develops around the joint and fixes it in place.

Treatment
There is no cure for arthrogryposis, but early vigorous physical therapy can help stretch out the contracted joints and develop the weak muscles. Splints can also help stretch joints, especially at night. Orthopedic surgery may also be able to relieve or correct joint problems.

So this is a very brief overview of what we may be looking at. I had my ultrasound on Tuesday evening at the University Hospital Fetal Diagnostic Center. The baby wasn't sitting on his head, so we got a good look at his feet, which were concluded to be club feet. Instead of being on his feet, he was upside down on his head. Seriously. It's either one extreme or another. :) The nurse tried to push him around, but as we already know, he is stubborn.

His overall position (physical, not position in the uterus) hasn't changed much. He still has his ankles crossed with his legs slightly bent and his hands in fists up by his face ready to box whoever wants to fight. :) Dr. Burne came in and tried to get him to move his arms and legs to see how progressive the arthrogryposis might be..

She wanted to check at which joints he is able to move. So she took a hold of my stomach and shook him pretty hard and we watched on the screen to see if he would move around. It took a couple of tries, but we did see him moving at his hips and his knees. Then after a few more tries he did flex and open one of his elbows, but because of the way he was basically standing on his head and wouldn't move, we only saw one arm. We weren't able to see everything that we wanted to, but I was proud of him moving as much as he did. I was laughing and saying "GOOD BOY!" Dr. Burne and the nurse were laughing at me. There was of course no movement at his ankles and wrists, and he still hasn't opened his hands. I haven't seen his fingers overlap, and I'm hoping that they don't.

Bleu and I had decided that we didn't want to do any more testing. Dr. Burne told me that there are a few different kinds of Arthrogryposis. One type is pretty mild where the only things effected are the feet (club feet) and hands. Another is more severe where all of the arm and leg joints are effected either permanently extended or bent. There is a type that is progressive and is where all of the joints are effected, and the tissues preventing the joint movement build and swell also effecting organs such as the heart, lungs, and can move into the back. With this particular type, the baby sometimes won't carry full term, or die within the first year of life.

Dr. Burne suggested that I come two weeks later to see if there is any progression in the limit of movement. I told her about mine and Bleu's decision, and we talked about the advantages or disadvantages of doing routine ultrasounds. I told her that it might worry me to have appointments so often. So she suggested that maybe we could do a monthly ultrasound and check his growth as well as his movement. I told her that I would be having a check up with Dr. Luikenaar on Monday and discuss what might be the best thing to consider.

I talked to Bleu and he still doesn't want any more testing or extra ultrasounds. I think that if there is a progression, it would be a good thing for us to know, see how much progression there is, and then we can be mentally prepared for what is to come.

Bleu and I have both been praying about our situation and we are both comforted by the Spirit that everything is going to be alright. And it will be, but in my mind, that doesn't mean that I should sit back and watch life go by. I am going to play a part in this-I'm not going to just let it roll. Just because everything's going to be fine doesn't mean that my work is done for this assignment. It means that we are going to make it through, but what we do with it and how we handle it is the question. I will admit - I am scared. But I can face my fears better if I have been prepared. In D&C it says "But if ye are prepared ye shall not fear." I've made my mind up that there is nothing that can keep me from loving my son, and I know that Bleu feels the same way.

I feel like the best way for me to take this assignment is to have an understanding and to be prepared. I have done some research, and I'm more familiar with Arthrogryposis now than I was when I first heard Dr. Burne telling us about it. I feel like that knowledge can prepare me to make important decisions that I feel are right instead of going in blind and relying on what the Doctors tell me. I have someone right beside me leading me that knows a whole lot more than any doctor. But this is a joint effort. If I don't do my part, He can't do His part. I need to be prepared and know what's going on so we can work through this together.

I also know that another part of this is that Heavenly Father is teaching me that I can't do some things on my own and that I need to learn how to ask for help. Thank you everyone for all of the support that you are to us and the understanding, patience and prayers. Mom, thanks for being my shoulder to cry on (again and again and again) and being there to pick up the phone every time I call. Torrie, thanks for being my personal drill sergeant and encouraging me to be my best. Cheena, thanks for listening to my mindlessness and making me laugh.

I love you all, thanks again for everything you do.

Crazy Chromosome Lady

2009-01-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

I was on my way home from work last night, and my clock said something like 5:03 or something like just after five. My phone starts ringing, and it's a number that I don't know. I answer it saying
"hello,"
And a strangely familiar voice on the other end replies, "Hello, is this Mickaela?"
"yes, this is she.."
"Hi, Mickaela, this is Dr. Suchandsuch, Genetic Counselor from University Hospital.."(I still have no idea what her name is because Bleu and I call her the Crazy Chromosome Lady.)
Somehow that rang a bell and the realization of exactly what call this was came to me just as she said, "I'm calling about your test results."
"Oh" I said. Looking around frantically for a place to pull over during 5 o'clock traffic down 39th South. No Luck. I would just have to control myself till I got home. "okay..."
"Well I do have some good news about your amniocentesis, but first, were you wanting to know the sex of your baby?"
"We were guessing it was a boy from the ultrasound......"
"Well the chromosome confirms that it is a boy."
"Okay..........."
"And we tested his chromosomes, and he has a total of 46 chromosomes, which is normal."

I felt ten pounds lighter. It's a darn good thing that I was at a red light, too. She went on, as I made the last turn for home.
"I do have some questions for you, however.... have you been feeling your baby moving at all?" (Here she is trying to rule out arthrogryposis, where the joints are stiff and sometimes contorted.)
I explained that I know I had felt him a few times for sure, and other times maybe and that I was still trying to distinguish baby moving from digestion (or indigestion :).
She agreed that it is a little early for me to be sure of what I'm feeling.
She made sure that I was still planning on having a follow-up ultrasound, which I had it scheduled at Greenwood Healthcare, my regular office on Tuesday the 27th. Because there is not a specifically trained nurse or doctor in Greenwood on Tuesdays, we rescheduled the ultrasound at the University Hospital so that I can have the right people doing the ultrasounds and getting immediate feedback.
She went on and said that after we check up on him and see if anything has changed, there are other tests that she might recommend..... "if that's what you want."

I took a breath, and the Spirit whispered that what I was about to say was true. I said,

"You know, I think that I'm done with tests. It just seems like too much of a worry. You know.. a lot of the tests are so 'maybe this and maybe that' and there's no way of knowing for sure right now and if there's nothing I can do to fix it, or to change it, than there's no point in putting him through all of this. I think I'll just go to the follow-up ultrasound and check up on him, and if his feet are perfect and his hands are open that's great. If nothing has changed then I will just wait till he's born and see how it goes. I have absolutely no problem with having a disabled child. If there's anything wrong I would just rather have a doctor physically look at him when that time comes."

She didn't interrupt me or say anything and there was a pause..... and she said, "Okay..." like 'If you say so.....' and said that she would see me in a few weeks at the ultrasound.

I've done research on Edward's Syndrome and Arthrogryposis. And I've almost memorized the ultrasound pictures and videos. I know I have never taken a medical class in my life. But I think that my son is perfectly fine. I know what I see when I watch the video of his hands and just half of a second before the end, he moves his fingers, and I've watched him move his legs and arms and head so many times that I can play it in my head. His wrists are straight-arthrogryposis contorts the joints and ligaments. He may have club feet.....possible. But we can only wait and pray for the next ultrasound to go well! I hope this video works on other computers, cause it doesn't work on mine. :) But watch the top hand just before the video's over! Ha! he moves his fingers! Doctors. What do they know.

I scheduled the ultrasound today with a nurse at the Diagnostic Center and we decided that I will go at a different time of day so the little twerp isn't sleeping. She told me that if I eat a good lunch that day, my body working to break down the food will make him more active, and also to eat a good snack on the way or just before the appointment. I've also heard that COLD water wakes them up, too. So! He's going to be complaining that we are keeping him awake. Good. Then maybe he'll move around some more and show us his fingers and toes.

I did feel him moving tonight after dinner. It was interesting. I was laying on the couch and felt a slow but firm pressure on the right side moving up, and I put my hand there and it was harder than the left side. Then I felt it sink away from the pressure of my hand. It was so funny! And I just felt one of those "flutters" just now. It's fun to be able to recognize those weird feelings.

OH! I just felt him again.....Maybe he doesn't like Pork Chops.......... Hmmmm..

One Down... Infinity to Go!

2009-01-12T17:05:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday was mine and Bleu's anniversary. Can you believe it's already been a year? I asked him if he thought it went by fast and he said that there were some parts that did, and some parts that didn't . I agree. The first 6 months took a long time... between getting used to being married, going back to school, getting pregnant, enlisting in the Army, miscarrying...... that was a full 6 months. :) The summer was nice. We played on the company co-ed softball team and worked the same schedule, ate lunch together, came home at the same time....... The fall was exciting because we had just discovered that we have a little bundle of joy on the way!

Bleu was able to call me last night and we got to talk for a few hours. It was a nice anniversary present. For only being gone just over a week, we sure did have alot to talk about. Plus we knew that he won't have the opportunity to call next week so we will go two weeks without talking to eachother. Bleu leaves for a seven-day camp out this Friday. He said that basically when they get back, they will turn in most of their gear and get ready for graduation. It's exciting that it's coming so quickly.

I have never been anywhere east of Montana or Wyoming- so I am pretty excited to be able to fly to South Carolina for Family day and Graduation day. We will be able to spend some time on and off post before he leaves for AIT.

Bleu said that there will be a lot more freedom at AIT. We are thinking it might be like him going to school away from home, like a study abroad. There is rumor that there might be two to four men in a room, or appartment. He also said they might be able to have computers there. If that's true, he will probably buy a laptop and a web cam so we can talk to eachother more often and see eachother's faces. It sure would be better than just talking on the phone for an hour once a week!! So we are both very excited about seeing eachother at the end of the month.

As for the wee one, we are still waiting on test results. I guess I'm not too worried, because sometimes I forget all about them. Who knows if that's a good sign or not. I have felt him moving and doing summersaults a few times. Sometimes it's exciting, and sometimes it makes my stomach irky... But I love to feel it either way. I'm really really hoping that daddy will have a chance to feel him when I go to graduation, but we'll see. For now we will just take everything one day at a time and enjoy it while we can.

From the mouths of Babes....

2009-01-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

This year's theme for Primary is "My Eternal Family" and Sharing time today was about temples.

We talked about why temples are important and why they help us get an eternal family.

The teachers all told the kids which temple was their favorite, and of course all of the women said that the temple that they were married in was their favorite and the two men both said that the temple in their mission was their favorite.

Well we have a new member of the Primary Presidency so she was able to hand out stickers to all of the kids for participating in the lesson. Before she gave them a sticker, each child was asked to tell her their name and which temple was their favorite.

And here are some of the answers that we heard "from the mouths of babes", or our sunbeam class.

"The one my mom and dad went to."
"The one up on the hill and it's really big."
"The Hawaiian Temple"
"The United States Temple"
"The one that's really tall and it has Jesus' friend on top of it."

All of the teachers were getting a big kick out of it. Then one of our oldest kids said his favorite was "The California Temple" and we asked which one, he replied "I don't know but it's in California."

I love Primary.

Mommy's growing

2009-01-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

During Christmas Break, Bleu said that my tummy was getting big. I said of course it was.... and he said "no, I mean like since I've been home!" I didn't really notice much till I had Sara take a picture. :)

This is me after a big meal at 13 weeks. When I saw the picture I thought I looked like a mutant because my stomach was so big and I blamed it on the food from the Ward Party.

This is me at 17 weeks. Bleu wants pictures of me while I grow, but they won't let him have any pictures if there is "too much skin." He said that they probably would take my belly pictures away. How dumb is that?? So this is the no-skin picture for Bleu.

And this is my scandalous "too much skin" picture.. Crazy difference, huh? People aren't afraid to ask if I'm pregnant anymore cause I really do look like it now. The funny thing is that there are a few other girls that I know who are further along than I am and you would never guess that they are pregnant. They barely have a pooch at all, and I'm a hippopotamus. But that's okay cause I'm so excited and proud of my big tummy. Bleu loves it, too. And that makes me feel great.

The girl that took our wedding pictures is really excited because I asked her if she wanted to broaden her portfolio with some prego pictures. I think it will be fun. I think I'll take some around the middle of the pregnancy and then right at the end. Then a few of the baby right after he's born. We are both excited about it. It will be a new experience for both of us.

2009-01-04T18:16:00.000-08:00

Well Bleu has come and gone. It seems like the two weeks before lasted forever and the two weeks we spent together passed in no time at all. It was a great Christmas Vacation away from 60 smelly guys for him, though. He said a few times that I smelled SO MUCH better than any of them. :)

When I talked to him the Sunday before he came home, he said that he was going to try and change his flight plans when he got to the airport because he would be spending some of the night and most of the day in the airport. So at 6:30 am on Thursday, December 18th, I got a text message from him saying that he got a flight that would get him to Salt Lake by 6:50 that night instead of the original plan of 11:50. I was excited. I planned on working till 5, running some errands, and that would give me just enough time to get to the airport in time to pick him up. So the hours creeped on that day. Then while talking idly with some co-workers about nothing in particular, I heard Jodee, a girl at work just outside the door yelling "oh my gosh! HI! I hardly recognized you!!" and I thought, "geez, who is she talking to?"

And guess who came bursting, and running through the door!? My sweetheart husband, Bleu. I jumped off of my chair and he nearly knocked me over hugging me. After he caught his breath from running, he explained that he'd changed his flight plans again, but didn't tell me because he wanted to surprise me. Boy did he. It was great. But the funny part was how he got to WesTech.

He was sitting next to an older couple on the plane, the man being pretty fragile and on oxygen. He kindly asked if they needed help with their large luggage, and they said, "oh, that would be so nice, thank you!" and he replied with.. "Good, and then can I have a ride?" The couple was from Pleasant Grove, so Murray was not out of the way and they were thrilled to help the handsome soldier. :)

We had a great Christmas and an adventure going up to mom's in the snow storm. Let's just say that Malad Pass upheld it's name in my opinion. I'm glad I was asleep for a lot of it.

One request that Bleu had was that he could come to a doctor's appointment with me.... Specifically an ultrasound. So after talking with Dr. Luikenaar we scheduled one the morning of New Year's Eve.

The appointment was at 8:20 so we were there just after 8 to check in. The Stenographer was really nice and fun to joke with. She said that because I was 16 weeks instead of 18 weeks, there were some things that we won't be able to see because they aren't fully developed yet. But for 16 weeks, the baby was developing at the right pace.

She measured the head, and head to rump and everything was just the right size, the heart was pumping strong and steady, and at the right pace. She said that she was sending all of the pictures to a doctor, and that she would come in soon.

She asked if we wanted to know the gender and I told her that if she's sure, then to tell me, but if there is any "maybe" that I don't want to know. She laughed and said, "Oh, I'm pretty sure." She moved the sensor around a little and announced at the very same time that I saw loud and clear on the screen. "It's a boy." He's not shy about it either.

So the Doctor came in (not mine, but the one on duty at the time) and took over with the ultrasound. She was looking a little more thoroughly, said that she wanted him to open his hands so we can count fingers. So they giggled him around, and the stubborn little rug rat was asleep and wasn't about to perform for anyone.

She was also trying to poke him around to get him to turn over because he was kindof sitting on his feet and they were turned in. So after about 5-10 minutes of using my belly as a trampoline, she said that there is a concern when a baby doesn't open their hands. And also, with his feet turned in they were looking like club feet. So between the two they wanted me to go to the University Hospital to have another ultrasound and hopefully he will have changed positions, maybe woken up by then.

This picture is the hardest one for others to make out. I've looked at it so many times that it's like cake. lol. Okay. So we are looking at him like he's laying sideways with his feet on the right side. The blobs on the left are his belly, and the circle in the middle is one of his knees. The oblong shape under that is his knee and shin, and the little thing at the end is his foot, toes facing the top of the screen, by his kneecap.. See how it turns in?? It's against the wall of the uterus in this picture. If you look close, you can see his other foot in the background going the opposite way.

So we saw Dr. Luikenaar next, and she said that there are a few things that could be happening.
1. He's asleep and curled up and stubborn.
2. he's sitting on his feet
3. there is a chance of a Chromosomal disorder causing the positions
4. there is a neurological disorder

So she said that if not much has changed at our next ultrasound, we may be given the option to have an amniocentesis, where a needle is inserted through the abdomen into the uterus to collect amniotic fluid for hormonal and chromosomal testing. But she wanted me to schedule another ultrasound to check up on him. So I'm having a follow-up ultrasound on the 27th of January.
So we went to the University Hospital and sure enough, after two different ultrasound machines, and shaking and bouncing him around, not much had changed. So a genetic counselor came and spoke with us about all of the possibilities and her "concerns"

She was one of those people that tried to make us feel better by wording things very gently. She was no help. I wanted facts and she spent most of the time trying to comfort me. She gave us a lot of "we don't know"s and worst case scenarios, which made me feel awful. Then talked about all of the different Chromosomal abnormalities and how some parents are "uncomfortable pursuing the pregnancy" in such a case. She was giving us abortion as an option.... I couldn't believe it. So with all of the mixed reviews and everything just being flooded into my brain, she said that they thought it would be a good idea to have an amniocentesis and explained that there is a 1 in 500 chance that it could cause a miscarriage but they believe that the advantages of having the test out way the risks, and if we find that there are these problems then we can go from there, but if we don't then we have some other tests that we can do and what do you think? We can do it right now if you'd like, just sign here stating that you know the chances of miscarriage, and here's your room the doctor will be right in. I felt like it was an avalanche of emotions and information and doubt, and confusion, I didn't know what else to do.

So we had an amniocentesis and I cried the whole time more from not knowing if we were doing the right thing than from the pain (don't get me wrong, the pain was more than enough to make me cry). But I'm done with tests. If we find out that there is a chromosomal problem then we will go from there. If not, then if there are any other problems they can wait till he's born. I won't love him any less no matter what. There are chances that he will be autistic, have edward's syndrome,(please don't look this up, it's not fun.) or even not make it at all. And we love him so much already.

So that's what is on our plate right now. I have had time to think about it and I feel Semi-prepared for anything that happens. I've miscarried once, so I know I can get through that. I know it's going to be quite the experience no matter what happens. I do ask for your prayers for him. I know that Heavenly Father has given us this assignment for a purpose, and I know that I'm stubbornly independent. This must be the only way He can get me to ask for help. I can do this, but I can't do this alone. I know that I will always have Bleu's support, and my family's support. I love you all and again, I ask for your prayers for our little boy. Thank you so much for being the wonderful, loving family that you are.

The FINAL Countdown!

2008-12-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

Bada-bum-bum!...........Bada-bum-bum-bum!........ (You know you're singing it too...)

So it's the FINAL FIVE!! I can't believe it. So this afternoon I decided it was a great time to drive downtown to the temple...because we got about 4-5" of snow that morning... Yeah. But I made the trek and drove downtown.... it only took 45 minutes to get there.. :)

Well anyway, a funny thing happened. When I was getting back into my car later, I opened the passenger door to put my bag in, and my phone, which was left in the car was ringing. I looked and it was a really wierd number AND wierd area code. I decided to answer it anyway. I said "Hello?" and a strangely familiar voice returned with a "Hi! How are you?" It was then I realized that it was BLEU! Calling on a Saturday. :) So I said "good, how are you?"

And we got cut off. Neat, huh?? I tried to call back and it was busy, then I called again and we talked for another 45 seconds and got cut off again..... They were allowed to use a payphone for some reason I didn't get. We did get to talk for about 4 minutes, and he told me that there was a long line of people waiting to use the phone. So we said our goodbyes untill tomorrow. It was pretty neat that I was getting out of the temple at just the right time! The funny thing is that it took me so long to get there that I almost didn't make it into the session. So I'm super glad that I made it or I wouldn't have been able to talk to him!!

Tonight was our Ward Christmas Party. Ryan Dent called (Home Teacher, Thanksgiving) and asked if I would give Jenny and the kids a ride over because he needed to come later. So I went over and Jenny and I packed the carseats over to my car, buckled everyone in and they were my family for tonight. The Primary was asked to do a Nativity and a Song for the Program so the Primary Presidency and I rounded the kids up and put them into costumes. One of the teachers read the Christmas Story out of the Scriptures and then we sang The Nativity Song. It was pretty cute. It's funny how they are so loud in the Primary Room and then in the Chapel and the Gym they get scared and sing quiet. But they did a good job.

So that's all for now, I will probably be updating soon. Love you all, and enjoy the Season!

Thanksgiving with the Dent's

2008-12-10T17:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I should put some pictures on here, huh? I was able to spend Thanksgiving Day with the Dent Family in my Ward. Jenny (mom) is my visiting teacher and is the sweetest person I know and Ryan (dad) is my home teacher and would do anything for anyone. Brielle (daughter) is one of my two Sunbeams in Primary-that girl knows all of the songs better than most of my kids! Daniel (son) is in nursery and started going while I was working in the nursery. Jenny tells me that he has a little bit of a hard time without me there to console him and play with him. It's so cute. Bleu and I have babysat for them a number of times and we both just love the family. We sit next to them sometimes and give the kids attention or I watch the kids when Jenny needs to get up for something... Etc. We are all good friends.

So Ryan and Jenny invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner with them and Jenny and I split up the meal. I was so proud of my Pecan Pie that I just had to take a picture. This is my first pie made totally by myself with no supervision - crust and all! TADA!! I was So very proud of it.... even though it spilled in the oven and was a little crunchy on top, but I thought it was beautiful, mostly because I was so relieved that it actually worked! I even rolled the crust with a glass because I don't have a rolling pin. LOL....

And here are the children. Jenny is funny and she wanted everything set on a table all fancy and take a picture, because she was also very proud of all of her hard work. ( I don't blame her... the turkey looked Amazing! ) And so Ryan and Jenny were going back and forth "I want to take a picture" "but Jenny, we are all starving" "oh, this needs to be a little higher so we can see it. Make sure you get everything in the picture" I thought it was funny. But the Kids and I sat at the table and I entertained them by showing them the pictures on my cell phone of Bleu. It was so cute, every picture of Bleu I showed Daniel he would say "Boooo?" So cute! They loved getting thier pictures taken, too.

So we ate and sat for a while. For some reason I was absolutely hilarious to Daniel. I would "walk" my fingers up his arm, and then tickle his neck or face, or whatever and he would laugh and squirm, and then put his arm out for me and say "gen?" We went on like that for at least 10 minutes. It was so funny.

Well we timed dinner / lunch so that when we were done it would be time for the kids' naps so Jenny could clean up, and get some rest, herself. She's about 6 or 7 months pregnant. So we cleaned up and then I headed off to Preston and visited Nan and Katie over night. Katie and I went shopping in Logan on Friday and had a lot of fun. I was planning on going home to see mom and dad, but I was so tired of traveling ( since that's what I had done three weekends in a row) that I had to skip out on that part and just went home Friday night. It was a good weekend, though. It was nice to have a Saturday at home for once and get ready for Primary and work.

I was able to talk to Bleu on the phone a lot on Thanksgiving and the day after. I was spoiled but it made the next week hard waiting so long for the next Sunday to get to talk to him again. I was happy for the opportunity to spend a little bit of Thanksgiving with him over the miles. All in all it turned out to be a pretty good Holiday.

Merry Christmas TAG-aroo

2008-12-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

Who says you can stop being greatful as soon as the Turkey leftovers go bad?? I have been paying closer attention to all of my wonderful blessings this year and I think it's great to share those things that help us learn and grow. So- follow my lead. Name off the things that you have been greatful for particularly this past year. It's eye-opening!!

My Husband
Enthusiasm in Primary
Relief Society
Random memories that keep me going
Yesterday (is done and today is fresh-with no mistakes)

Children and the love and faith that they have
Home Teachers
Righteous Desires
I Love You-the three most powerful words I know
Siblings-we really did grow up to be best friends!
Time- sometimes it flies, other times it crawls.
Mothers-and learning all of the things she said were right.
Acedemics-and being done with them.
Sickness-the morning kind that lasts all day, a constant reminder that I am still pregnant.

People I'm tagging, EVERYONE-EVEN HUSBANDS AND KIDS!

Merry Christmas, everyone. I love you all so much!

It's a lot of Work!

2008-12-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

Hey family, I spent most of the day (5 hours) at my friend Stephanie's house. And you'll never guess what we did!! We had our very own little recording session! Yippee!

I got a CD with some Christmas music on it yesterday and went through and found out what lyrics I needed and how many verses I had to find on the various lyric websites.. I did all that last night, and some of the music I didn't even get to listen to the whole way through before I started recording> YIKES! I was a little unprepared, but you know, that's how I roll! : ) Haha.

So I went over-Stephanie and her sister, Jacqueline, have transformed a closet into a recording studio. It's pretty hillarious. I'll have to take pictures next time I go over. They have eggshell padding on all of the walls and ceiling and door, but the door doesn't close because of the cords and a table sticks out into the doorway...... But it works! LOL. So here I am with my headphones and a very scary microphone and screen in front of me thinking, "woah, this is almost official!" So that's scary in itself, but because the door doesn't close, out of the corner of my eye I can see Stephanie sitting on her chair right outside the door with her laptop and headphones and wires set up on a TV tray. So I can't really just pretend that I'm alone, because she's right there. AND, if I look the other way, across the room, the wall has full length mirrors so I see myself with all of this scary equipment. So......... I stared at the Eggshell Foam, which is surprisingly comforting. LOL....

Well my first song was rough. First off I was nervous, and it was a "nice song" and not just a carol. So I wanted it to be pretty good. That one took a long time. When we finally finished, we looked at the time and it had taken about 1 1/2 hours maybe more. I thought "holy crap! that was forever!" And Stephanie said that we made GREAT time! So in total we got through 4 songs in 4 hours because the others were just carols that didn't need tons of work. So I just sang them pretty straight. But we were excited at how fast we got them done, judging from the first one.

It was really tiring singing the same two lines over and over and over again and still hating it. It was an interesting process to see, though. I was really tired by the end but it was pretty fun to get to do something that has been on my little "I wish I could" list. I think I might do it again with other music, but maybe later.

News From the Hawkley's

2008-12-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I updated everyone on how Bleu is doing. I've been able to talk to him on the phone every Sunday after church for about an hour. It's been interesting talking to him and read his letters through Basic Training. The first few weeks were pretty tough on him. Bleu is really smart and experienced in alot of things, so everything that they are learning......he already knows how to do. Climb, repell, shoot, physical fitness, running, wrestling, etc. He says that they break everything down step-by-step and he already knows how to do it. So it's hard for him to be patient with the others that are having a hard time because they have never done these things before. I think it's good for him to be patient. He has already passed his PT score, and right now is the Squad Leader. He's doing much better at his situps, pushups and 2 mile than he was at drill (I thought he was doing great at Drill!)
We exchange letters often, but the mail is so slow getting here. He gets my letters in about two days and his take a little less than two weeks to get to me. So I try and write to him about every other day. He still asks me to tell other people to write to him. The only thing that keeps him going is to know that people care about him. They don't get alot of time to write, so if anyone writes him (please do) he might not be able to write back to you. But please do write.
He has a friend there that is from Lehi, and his wife's Parents live in South Carolina. So she (Grace-Ann) is flying out for Christmas and staying for graduation. So they have offered to give me a place to stay during graduation so we can save a couple hundred bucks. Grace-Ann has offered to pick me up and drop me off at the airport. She also gave me a tip-that if I fly into Charlotte, NC instead of Columbia, SC it would be cheaper. It was and I bought my Ticket today.
We are both really excited for Christmas and to spend as much time together as we can before he leaves. I have a countdown chain at work :)

As for me, I do pretty good. It's week #12 and I'm feeling the sickness more now. I try to stick to an eating schedule to keep it mild, and get plenty of sleep. I'm loving the Primary right now-we have alot of fun together and for some reasong the overall favorite song is Head Shoulders Kneed and Toes. Who knew? Maybe because I make everyone in the room perticipate.
I am usually pretty tired when I come home from work so if I go anywhere it's not for long and usually involves groceries and gas. I'm using the ol' rubber band trick on my jeans for now and I notice a few people at work keeping thier eyes on me. I was asking to our Receptionist, Gloria about how far along another gilr at work is and she said "And when are you going to tell me?" :) She said that she had noticed in the last little while and was waiting for me to speak up but couldn't wait anymore. She's a funny lady. But I am starting to show; if I wear a baggy shirt it's not so noticable. I think that after my appointment next Monday I will feel even more secure about the pregnancy and will be more comfortable telling people about it. Bleu and I have pretty much decided that we will be surprized about the sex of the baby because we want Bleu to be here for that. Well, because I will be around 15 or 16 weeks while he's home for Christmas. And since they usually do that ultrasound at 20 weeks we decided to just have a surprize.

So that's the news for us right now. I will try and keep up to date often so that everyone can hear how we are doing. So.... stay tuned, we love you all and thank you so much for all of the love and support that you give us.

BIGGER HINT!!

2008-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

Okay, Family.

I know how much everyone loves Bleu and me. I talked to him on the phone again yesterday. He seems to be doing better with thinking that everything is dumb, and hating life. He really misses me and says that I'm the only thing that keeps him going because I'm the only one who writes him letters. He's having a pretty rough time and feels like he needs more support. PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE send him some mail. It's the only thing that they have to look forward to and he doesn't get very much. I do what I can, but I really can't send him a letter every single day. He needs to hear from other people. It only takes a few days to get to him, but his letters take a few WEEKS to get to me. So if you plan on writing more than one, don't wait for a response before writing again. Tell the kids that he needs letters, too. I think he would love that. His address is a few posts down so scroll down, copy it, and start a letter. PLEASE.

I love you all and thankyou for the support you give me.

I Got a Phone Call!!

2008-11-16T12:23:00.000-08:00

Today was the Primary Program in sacrement. When the closing prayer was said, I was getting all of my music and posters together, when Sara came up to me (which was a surprise because her Single's Ward starts at 1 and it was barely 12) and said "Bleu wants you to call him now. He called at 11 but I wasn't going to come up here in the middle of the program, plus I wasn't even dressed."

Of course-the one time that I am away from my phone for more than 5 minutes, and that's the time he calls. I got my phone from my bag and the screen said 17 missed calls. I opened it fast and the last one was sent one minute before. So I called and got the answering machine. I started to cry right there at the front of the chaple. He sent me a text message telling me to call and two voice mails. So teary-eyed, I headed for the door calling my voicemail when my phone started vibrating and I saw that it was him. So we got to talk on the phone for about an hour. It was good to hear his voice again, but he sounds tired and "sick and tired." He told me that he's hungry and that they get 3 meals a day. The food's not that good, but he likes (and by "likes" he means that he hates it the least ) breakfast. He gets gritts, bacon, eggs, and pancakes. "It's better than the other stuff they give us." he says.

He asked if I had gotten any of his letters and that the first day they got mail, one girl got 12 letters from her family in one day. I asked him if he's gotten any and he said "None." So he's feeling pretty neglected. So PLEASE send him some mail as soon as you can, he would really appreciate it.

Well that's pretty much it for now. I'm finishing up a letter for him today so I can send it tomorrow. So maybe for Family Home Evening, since the Primary is learning about being Thankful, they can tell the military how geatful they are for this free country that we live in. (Hint: please send him mail.)

Forgot to Include

2008-11-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

I wanted to include Bleu's address so that if any of you want to write to him you can. They say that mail is something that they look forward to every day. So I'm going to try and write as often as I can, but I think letters from family would be great, too.

Prt Hawkley Bleu
C Co. 3/60 INF RGT
BLDG 5482
3 Plt Black Knights
Fort Jackson, SC 29207

Report from Prt. Hawkley

2008-11-12T18:08:00.000-08:00

Well I finally got my first letter from Bleu today. YIPEE!! He said that the first few days were pretty bad. And pretty bad to Bleu means that they stood in lines all day. The first night they went to be at 12:30 and were woken up at 4.

He says that there are even more stupid people there than at drill and "the drill sargeants ar on fatty ego trips with post-traumatic stress so they blow up over everything." I was expecting that. There is lots of swearing, I was expecting that.

He is excited to say that Private Brown (really dumb and annoying 18 yr old kid who thinks he knows everything but really knows nothing) is not in his group. I think that was all he cared about, so I'm glad, too. There might be a slim chance that they will be able to use thier cell phones, most likely when they are off for church-I was NOT expecting that, but I'll take it!!

Thier group was given the three toughest Drill Sargeants, which I was VERY pleased to hear. It will be hard, but I think that means that he will come back that much better and they will be very well prepared and trained.

He said he wants to buy some spandex to wear for exercising because they were giving him "crap" about his garments---I told him to Buck up. :)

Sargeant Keegan made me promise that I would write "DROP" on the envelope so he will have to "drop" and do pushups before he gets his letter. I kissed it for extra measure. I like to be thorough. He might have to do an extra 20 for that. :)

Well that's the news for now, as for me, people at work and church ask me how I'm doing and to be honest, I'm doing much better than I thought I would. I'm playing the piano, and reading books and just relaxing. It's definately been QUIET, but I'm doing pretty good. It actually feels reassuring that I can take care of myself. I can pay rent and bills and insurance and phone and everything. I can go shopping by myself WITHOUT buying any candy (for once). I thought that I would have a huge gap of time to fill every day where I would just sit and think about Bleu and miss him and feel sorry for myself, but I don't. I fill my time pretty well and I do think about him and miss him sometimes but it's not like I thought it would be. It will be great to have him home for Christmas, but I am doing much much better than I was Dreading. :) But I'm not going to lie, I will probably cry like a baby AGAIN when he leaves AGAIN. But we will just take it one day at a time and keep on trudging down the road.

Love you!

Tag from Tammy

2008-11-02T20:10:00.000-08:00

8 TV shows I love to watch
1. Scrubs
2. Dirty Jobs
3. Myth Busters
4. Umm that's even a stretch. I just don't watch TV.

8 favorite places I love to eat
1. At home with Bleu
2. Cafe' Rio
3. Applesbee's
4. Chiles
5. Red Lobster
6. Mom's house
7. anywhere with the family
8. ??

8 things that happened yesterday
1. Slept in (ahhhh)
2. Had a real breakfast-eggs and toast with mom
3. Took a hot shower (ahhhh)
4. beautified myself without hearing "are you done yet?" (ahhhhh)
5. went to a play with mom and Sara - Into the Woods
6. Set up and decorated for the Ward Chilli Cook off.
7. Stayed as long as I could stand and then some.
8. Went home and watched Enchanted with Sara and Mom

8 things I look forward to
1. Bleu coming home
2. December
3. Christmas
4. June
5. Kids
6. My Fridays off
7. Having more space
8. Bedtime

8 things I love about Fall
1. Crisp air
2. Pretty Leaves
3. wearing jackets and scarves
4. Thanksgiving
5. Halloween
6. Rain
7. The Smells
8. It reminds me of when Bleu and I were dating.

8 material things on my wish list
1. My Student Loans paid off
2. A house
3. New clothes
4. Season Tickets to Desert Star
5. Food Storage
6. a room for myself to do projects in like sewing or reupholstering
7. a Desktop Computer
8. an office to put it in where I can do bills and have everything orgainized

8 people I'm tagging
1. Nan
2. Torrie
3. Camille
4. Katie
5. Trina
6. Jennifer
7. Jamie
8. Raelynn

CONVERSATIONS

2008-08-29T13:57:00.001-07:00

So this is my curiosity. And another way to get the ball rolling.... again.

What do you talk with your spouse about?? Obviously if you work at different places, or one works and the other stays at home, you talk about what you did during the day. Aside from the day-to-day things, what conversations do you have? How do you verbally express appreciation to eachother, what are the little things that build eachother up??

okay, I can tell you're thinking about it, now go! comment, post, blog, you bloggers, BLOG!!

Tiggety Tag!

2008-08-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

This one is way fun. I saw it on a friend's blog and I learned a lot about her. Please fill out one for yourself on your blogs!!

I think: About things all the time. They don't even have to be important things. My mind is always going ninety miles an hour. The sad part is that usually it never about anything important or what I should be thinking about. I think about my life, husband, family, friends, world, the choices we've made..... But then I think about what we are having for dinner, what there is in the fridge, in the cupboards,...... I think my mind might explode one day!!

I know: that Heavenly Father knows all of my thoughts and is probably thinking-Mickaela, you silly, silly girl. Haven't we been through this SO MANY times?? RELAX and enjoy life. I know who I am and I know He LOVES me more than I could mortally understand. I know that He has a specific plan just for me and our little family and I know that whatever happens, He's aware of me.

I want: SO many things! I feel selfish saying what I want because I AM the youngest and people think that I get whatever I want but I really don't. I want to be a wonderful person inside and out, I want to be an amazing wife and mother, I want to have a SUPER close relationship with my husband - closer than anyone, I want to make a difference, I want to be an example for good, I want to learn to sew, cook, keep the house clean for more than an hour, I want to keep the closeness that I have with my sisters.... the list could go on forever.

I have: A wonderful life!!! I have a husband who loves me and would do anything for me, a whole family who raised me with lots of love, I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, clothes on my back, a job, money in the bank, DEBT, I have an excitement for life and the crazy things that go on in it, I have Desire, and a Testimony.

I wish: There were more hours in a day so that I could do all of the things that I want to do! I wish I would have started school when I was 18 instead of 20. I wish I would have listened to my heart when it told me This is a very bad IDEA!! I wish I was wonder woman and could do everything at once.

I hate: When people are fake, snide, rude, unjust, belittleing, cheap, selfish. I hate when I feel Satan's presence and know that he is fighting to chase the Spirit away just as hard as I am praying for it to stay with me. I hate feeling like I'm anything less than great or that I CAN"T.

I miss: My family sometimes when I'm alone thinking about all of the fun we had when we were kids. I miss getting into trouble and trading corners when mom and dad weren't looking, playing school with Katie and Trina, fighting with Katie and Trina, telling Katie "you're not my mom!" I miss mom's chocolate chip cookie bars and how we had to eat them while they were hot or they would be too hard, getting up to get a drink, and ending up getting a drink for the entire family, getting lost in the wilderness on a "short cut"

I fear: Losing my family.

I smell: Nothing unless I'm really close to it, or I'm pregnant.

I crave: Mom's Sausage and Rice Casserole, Pork Chops n Rice, Sweedish Meatballs, Sweet n Sour Meatballs, homemade huckleberry ice cream...... Anything cooked over the fire.

I search: For my phone, my keys, my pen, my other shoe, my purse........ pretty much everything because I forget where I put everything....... until Bleu finds it, then I remember putting it there. and then he laughs at me.

I wonder: What Heavenly Father has in store for me. I have lots of clues and ideas, but I still wonder.

I regret: Mickey. And a few others that I let lead me on and make me feel like the least important human on earth.

I love: My Family, the sunshine, FOOD, playing, progressing, laughing till it hurts, hearing babies giggle, watching the first attempts, cheering on people I love, comforting those I love.

I care: too much sometimes. I care about what people think when I shouldn't. I care deeply for people around me, and my family.

I always: try not to give up. Sometimes all I want to do is just give up. And I ALWAYS try not to. I have to keep going and keep pushing no matter how hard it is.

I am not: a conformist. I don't do what everyone else does just because everyone else is doing it. If I want to do something, I'll do it. I have developed into a pretty uniquely stubborn individual and if I feel like doing something, I'm going to do it. I don't do it just to be different from everyone for spite, but I do the things I do for my reasons - not just to be different -

I believe: in God, Jesus Christ, The Spirit, Bleu and Me. I believe that God has a plan for me, for us. I believe that Christ hung on the cross and bled for me. I believe that the Spirit is with me when I invite him in. I believe Bleu when he tells me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me. I believe that God is watching and that our son/daughter is cheering us on to the finish line.

I dance: with Bleu. and that's almost the only time I feel comfortable dancing. I don't dance alone very often, but when I do, it's only for select people cause it's just down right strange.

I sing: constantly. I am always singing either out loud or in my head. I love it. It's one thing that I absolutely love to do.

I don't always: have a deep desire to clean. Sometimes I just feel like leaving the dishes, leaving the laundry, not showering, and just staying in bed and cuddling with my husband. I guess it's okay because he hasn't complained yet.

I write: what I am thinking in the moment that I write. I write whatever is bothering me, what is perplexing me, what is making me happy, sad, mad. I write stories, I write what happens between me and other people. I write lists constantly. To do lists, Grocery lists, I write lyrics to songs I already know.

I lose: faith in myself. I loose sight of all of the good things about me and get caught up in the things that aren't perfect. I lose my keys, my phone, my purse, and pretty much whatever I need at the moment.

I win: Zilch when I play against Bleu. Haha.

I never: want to grow up completely. I never want to grow old in my heart, I never want to stop acting like a newlywed, I never want to stop loving, I never want to give up on anything or anyone.

I listen: to the Spirit and try to know what I should do. I listen to Bleu and know that he is listening to the Spirit, too.

I can usually be found: wherever Bleu is. We spend more time together than I have ever spent with anyone EVER and I can't get enough of him. It amazes me how we've known eachother for two years, been married for seven months, spend as much time as possible together and I would still rather be with him than anybody else in the world. I love him so much.

I am scared: of heights, because I hate the feeling of falling, and I'm scared of mirrors in the dark. It's just about the creepiest thing I can think of.

I need: positive reinforcement. Negetivity sticks like honey and I need to be positive, and someone to be positive with me even when I'm covered in honey. Sometimes it's really hard for me to be positive especially when it comes to myself. I beat myself up about everything and Satan takes every opportunity he can get to make me feel like I'm not great. It's easy to see the good in others-it's better to show it to them.

I am happy about: where my life is going, who I have to share my life with, the choices I have made, the people I have around me, the love that I share.

TAG*** What's Your Favorite Memory of ME??

2008-08-05T06:03:00.000-07:00

Here's how it works:
1. As a comment on my blog, leave a memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember, good or bad but be nice please! ;)
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments. I hope all of you faithful readers have some good memories of me.

Tagged from Katie

2008-04-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

These are the rules: You must post the rules before you give your answers. You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name. Each fact must begin with that letter. If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name. After you've been tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and answers. At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and need to read your blog for details.

Melodramatic
Admirable
Rediculous
Idiotic
Enthusiastic

I am tagging Cheena, Torrie, Camille, Jamie, and Mom

Another fun Game!!

2008-04-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

A Decade ago I was.....
13 years old. HAHA!! I was in middle school and the only thing on my mind was my super big crush on rhett barney, getting straight A's, and trying to be POPULAR!!! blah. I'm way over that now. If you don't like me, it's your own fault. I am who I am and if you don't like it, too bad!!

5 Things on my to do list.....
1 Go home and kiss my husband
2 Laundry/pack
3 Finally print my wedding pictures and put them in an album and put some in the frames from the receptions.
4 Organize my house
5 Play all summer with my hubby (games, people.......like softball, tennis, hiking...)

5 Places I've lived....
1. Shelley, ID with mommy and daddy
2. Bakersfield, CA with sister torrie
3. Pocatello, ID with friends from work
4. Salt Lake City, Ut with wierd roomates, fun roomates, and a really fun roomate who won't let me call him his roomate.

5 Things people don't know about me...
1. sometimes i'm very shy
2. i hate having attention drawn to me (i act like i do so i'm not so uncomfortable with it.)
3. i feel like i'm failing most of the time
4. i am SO afraid of heights!
5. i am afraid of mirrors in the dark. it really really creeps my out!!

I'm tagging nan and lynette.

Baby, It Ain't Over til It's Over!

2008-04-08T14:32:00.001-07:00

I have been submerged in Interior Design for the past 2 years, and Baby, IT'S OVER!! WOOOHOOO!!!! I can't tell who's more excited for me to graduate: me, or Bleu. There was a Portfolio awards ceremony thursday night, and a few of my friends asked Bleu how he was feeling about me graduating. He always said "I'm WAY excited! I get a WIFE! I've never had one before!" :) I'm excited too. So the big day finally came and went. We set up our presentations from 7 to 9 am and waited ever so impatiently for the judging to finish. I could care less if I had won any awards, I just wanted to PASS!! With everything that we've been through in the past three or four months, I am thrilled just to pass and move on.

But first, a funny story:

The night before Portfolio, I came home from class early to get everything ready for the next morning. Once I ate and settled down, I realized that I would finally be setting up. Excited, however I had not gone to get easels or anything to set up. so I called Michael's to see when they close-9:00. It was 8:30 and it takes 20 minutes to get there. So i was on my way out the door, and Bleu was giving me the "what are you thinking?" look. He said "you are really going to buy easels? why didn't you do this last week?" I really didn't want to talk to him at that moment because he already knew what I was doing last week. GRRRR> so now i'm thinking, "what am i going to do now?" So I put my things down and took a few breaths and decided to put my creativity to the test.

I said "I need some boxes.....and stuff" I used my bifold doors that dad fixed up for the wedding, boxes from the kitchen and my closet, some baskets that we kept for no reason, a scarf, glove, pearl neclace, a margarita glass with sand inside, toy dinosaurs, a stuffed monkey, a woven garbage container, a caserole dish, a clock, a plant, a spaghetti strainer, place settings, a mason jar filled with macoroni noodles, spice jars, and a piece of fabric that i've had laying around for about 4 years. i even used our family photo to hold up one of my boards! oh, and Camille, thanks for the table cloth and place settings!! they were the crown.

It was definately interesting, and Bleu was making fun of me the whole time, but you know, it worked. and it's my style. It was definately different from anyone else's display, and a lot of the girls said how much it matched my personality. I didn't win anything, but I finished! And that's all that matters to me.

I even got a passing grade from Miles, the instructor and Director of the program. Not my best grade, but a passing grade.

Here's a few more closer pictures of each board and it's decor. Just a better look.

Bleu's Birthday!!

2008-04-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

Bleu was very specific on what he wanted for his birthday-to swear in to the Army National Guard, and a 9mm Pistol.

SO............

He was up and out of the house by 5:30 AM and at the doctor's for half of the day. He said there was lots of "poking, prodding, turning and coughing." I was able to join in on the fun around 2:00 and go to the Army Headquarters where all of the paper work and swearing in took place. I had little butterflies in my stomach, and Sergent Keegan actually had to remind me to breathe.

After all of that fun stuff, we drove down to Cabella's to the gun show and he found a gun. There was no fighting it, so I just let him get it. Later we went to dinner. I had arranged for a couple to meet us there, because it was her Birthday, too. They were supposed to be there at 6:30, and we got tired of waiting, ate, and left at 8. We all met at a friend's house for a surprise party. Because it was Bleu's 21st, we had Margarita's. It was alot of fun, but Bleu was tired, and I was feeling less than sociable. So we faked sick and went home to bed.

Of course, Bleu had to try out his new toy as soon as humanly possible. So we went to Provo with Gavin, his roommate, and thier dates to go shooting. It was pretty fun, but after about 45 minutes, I was feeling very fuzzy, and lightheaded. I volunteered to keep the blankets from blowing away and laid down for the most part. he seemed to like his new gun.

MOMMY'S JUST FAT!

2008-02-25T14:32:00.000-08:00

Well, here's the results-- and there's just one! Bleu still thinks that the other one is hiding, but Dr. Lukinaar says there's just one but I have a big uterus.........and a big tummy. It was really fun to go and to see that it's actually in there growing! We even got to hear it's tiny, but fast little heartbeat.

I'm sure you mommies out there know what all this is, but in case some of you are lost like I was, that black circle on the upper left is the uterus, and the little blobby thing inside is a baby! on the bottom of the picture is has the measurements, (6.2mm) and approximate gestation (6 weeks).

So there it is! it's really exciting! You know, even after the TWO positive pregnancy tests, growing belly, and icky stomach, I was kindof not completely grasping the fact until we went to the doctor and she turned on the sound to hear that heartbeat. Bleu and I looked at eachother with the biggest smiles!! Now that it's sinking in, and there is something tangible it's a whole new excitement! I'm really looking forward to seeing all you girls in May.

As of right now we are not planning on finding out the sex yet. Bleu thinks that I won't be able to wait, but I'm going to try. Bleu wants a "Daddy's Girl" and I'm thinking I want a "Momma's Boy". So we'll see if I can contain myself through the summer. That's all I have for now!

Love you all!!

Mickaela and Bleu

The Good Pictures

2008-02-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

So I just realized that because I'm posting this second, it will be on top of the list of postings. So I guess you can look at the next post before this one, or whatever you want. I'm still new with the blogging thing, so whatever.

Okay... here are the good pictures. And I don't mean good as in better, I mean in the other ones maybe half of the people in them are looking at two different cameras or just something else alltogether. Okay? So nobody go off and get all offended cause "Mickaela said the picture of me was bad!"

So my favorite is that we are all of the sudden "SHY". That's what my roommate Bethanie said. She always complained about our public displays of affection. Don't get her wrong, though, there were plenty. But we would always try and kiss in front of her just to get a reaction.

So when she saw this picture she said "So why are y'all shy now that you're married? Why weren't you shy when I was around??"

More being shy, but I think these are cute pictures. Kristi did a really good job at these. She wouldn't really tell us when she was taking pictures so alot of them were candid. I told her to take as many as she wanted because I think the subject in a candid shot is natural and looks more relaxed. That's just my preferance. I don't like posed pictures, so all of them are great in my opinion.

This, however, is the only picture that was planned. I don't know why but I have always wanted a picture like this. I was thinking that the different heights of the Lillies would make things a little more interesting, but I really liked how it turned out. Again, I give props to Kristi for making sure each flower was in it's own specific spot to get just enough of my face to catch some emotion and still hide enough to get the shot that I wanted. Bleu didn't like it cause he wasn't in the picture. :)

This one is my favorite mostly because I have NO IDEA when it was taken. I can't remember Kristi standing over us taking pictures. So when I saw it I was so surprised. I think it's such a cool perspective, I'm just bummed that you can't really see Bleu's face.

But it's still a great picture.

So that's all for now. Sorry I only update once every 6 Months, but life and school and job and everything is just crazy busy. Especially no internet at home.

See ya'll later, hopefully soon! Love you all.

PICTURES!!!

2008-02-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

Finally!! My computers at school have been telling me that my disc is blank till today, but holy mongenzicka's it worked........ Here they are!!

Our beautiful family-- we didn't really get a great bunch to pick from, but this is the best we have. My favorite is Janie down in the front. She looks about the same throughout the series, but trying to hold a smile in more and more as you go along. It's great. It's also the only one where Nan isn't completely out of sight!! :)

So I was super creeped out that Dad and Redge were insistant on holding hands. They thought it was pretty darn funny and Mom and Jan seem to be okay with it, so whatever. I still think it's creepy so this is the last time I talk about this picture, got it?

So we'd been married for about an hour, and I was already afraid for my life. Well at least we were sealed, right?? :) I really don't know why picking me up and jumping into the cove was a grand idea, but I'm still alive.

Now onto the Good Pictures:

HERE IT IS!

2008-02-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

Tammy tagged me so I guess I should fill it out....I was way excited to be involved in one of those "married people things!"

What is his name? Bleu Marcus Hawkley
How long have you been married? One Whole Month!
Who long did you date? Which time? The first time we dated about a month, then a week or so and then two weeks. Then he snatched me up before I could get away again. :)
How old is he? He's Turning 21 on March 28th.
Who eats more sweets? He Does. he always disappears to the neighbors house and comes home chewing Reeces Pieces or Hot Tamales.
Who said I love you first? He did.
Who is taller? he is by an inch or so but i'm taller when i wear my Doc's.
Who can sing better? me, i guess, but he sings more and whistles all the time.
Who is smarter? i think we are both really smart in different things. i'm more into reading and learning that way and he's more into building and technical things.
Who does the laundry? both, but he usually does.
Who pays the bills? he does.
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? we haven't really decided yet, i started out on the right side, but we switched. right now we both sleep in the middle. lol
Who mows the lawn? AWW..... the joys of apartment living.............
Who cooks dinner? He usually does because i'm home late from school. but i cook every now and then.
Who drives? he always drives. i think i've only driven once. i love it.
Who is more stubborn? we are BOTH stubborn but i venture to say he's pretty stubborn sometimes. i have given up a number of times. (yes, dad it has happened on occasion)
Who kissed who first? I kissed him because he wouldn't do it!
Who asked who out first? he did, and i turned him down three times.
Who proposed? he did
Who has more siblings? he has 5 and i have 6.
Who wears the pants? he definately wears the pants. and that's great by me.

I want mom to fill this out and put it on our home page. Why don't mom and dad ever post???

Here's Some More Pictures...

2007-12-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

Wooohooo!! The Fall Semester is finally over! Now I just have three weeks to put together a wedding!! It's exciting. Well now that I have a spare minute (Literally) I thought I would put a few more pictures up because I think we are SSSOOOOOO CUTE!

Tucker and I decided to take a walk over to the Elementary school one bright, brisk Sunday morning. There's only one thing he loves doing more than playing in the leaves, and that's playing in the snow. He loves to go outside to run and play.

When Bleu comes home from work, we mostly hang around the house being lazy...........

Sometimes he's so serious.

Have you noticed that Tucker is ALWAYS laying right in between the two of us?? Just like a kid. My boys fight for my attention. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's annoying.

MMHHMMM.... I sure do like this one. Can I keep him, ma? Huh? Can I??

Well.... That's all I have time for now. I'm excited to see everyone for Christmas!! I love you all!!

Mickaela

WE HAVE PICTURES!!

2007-11-26T15:50:00.000-08:00

Aren't we the Cutest!? I don't know if anyone else besides mom and trina got to see these, so i'll just put some up here.

This one is my super most favorite. i don't think Bleu likes it cause he's not smiling, but i think it's sexy.

You have to have at least 12 kissing pictures, right?

Oh, yeah. he's so handsome!!

yep, we're stinkin' adorable. well, that's all for now. the library is closing. Love you all!!

We Have A Blog!!

2007-11-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

Wow.. I actually got around to getting on here with y'all!! I've been enjoying keeping up with everyone. I didn't realize how much I neglect keeping my family involved in my life till Sean said: "I don't want to put my foot in my mouth, so I'm just gonna ask.... who are you engaged to?"

So I guess I should keep everyone better posted now, huh??

WELL, here's what we've been up to in ZION!

Tucker and "Aunt Bethanie" shared thier first jack-o-lantern experience together. They were both very intrigued in the whole thing!

I'm sure he likes her better than me because she's so nice to him. As soon as he starts to whine, Aunt Bethanie comes to the rescue! Bleu and I call her "Softy"

We had a Halloween/Birthday party that was pretty fun. Here we have a Magic 8 Ball, Nerd, Tinker Bell, Jane Fonda, and a Red Sox fan.

This picture is a little dark, but Bleu was Peter Pan. Notice the very short skirt and leggings(on him, not me). That's how much he loves me. ;)

Aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww........ My two boys are so cute!